"Hi, honey! How was your day?"

Then Daphne showed up at the front door pregnant, and that's when things really went off the rails.

I think Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers are more likely Fallon's jam. Or Boone's Farm.

I don't think making Election Day a federal holiday would really solve anything. If it's a federal holiday, then the kids are out of school, and parents are not necessarily going to take the initiative to take turns watching the kids so they can both go do their civic duty (assuming a two parent household at all; even…

Whoah, this is heavy.

I have met Rick Perry in person, and he is indeed dumb. Like, super dumb. If you have heard the phrase "dumb as a bag of hammers," you're pretty close to understanding Perry's intellect, although he is more "dumb as a wet paper bag full of hammers that are dangerously close to busting through and crashing all over…

Where do the reverse vampires fit in?

Here ya go:

I have a recipe for apple pie that I bake in a cast iron skillet. It is wonderful.

That was like my entire menu in college. Spaghettio Surprise.

They made that already. It was called Batman and Robin. It was a non-subtle examination of Clooney and Chris O'Donnell's relationship growing pains.

"It's Friday, and it's 10:30, it's time to party! I'm your excellent host, Bruce Wayne. With me, as always, is Dick Grayson. Party on, Dick."

Didn't you think it was a little bit unnecessary to see the crack in the Riddler's bottom?

Erector Set Batman does not appreciate your snub.

My pleasure.

But that's kind of his thing. Ease up, Waldorf!

"Keep 'em comin', Gleep Glop!"

The greatest fear of all men is that they would break up with Taylor Swift and she would not write a song about them.

I will be seeing Gary Clark Jr. open up for Tom Petty in Austin in a couple of months.

Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"