I had a Ford Focus that was actually pretty fun, aside from the standard Ford shitbox gearbox issues. I liked it enough that I went to the dealership in the town I was visiting and picked the mechanic’s brain (it was a very small town dealership, my uncle knew him), and he told me they were all like that. So much for…

What the fuck? They’re obviously referencing the decorative painting style of rose mauling, which originated in Norway. It’s a fucking fantasy movie set in fantasy Scandinavia, not a fucking documentary about fucking snowflakes.

When I took driver’s ed, we had a brief note on riding motorcycles, and were instructed to ride a 2-wheeled in the wheel tracks on the highway (the 1 and 3 in the diagram above). Since most roads are crested in the center for run-off to escape, and the wheel tracks are often indented, it’s safer to ride where your…

Do I have any legal recourse against an ex who turned me into a Mets fan?

As someone who was instructed to drink medically necessary milkshakes to put weight back on after mysteriously dropping 80 pounds in 6 months, I get you there. 

I once looked in my mirror for cyclists, didn’t see anyone, and opened my door. WOOSH went a cyclist, who’d just come out of a nearby driveway, and he yelled at me for not looking.

When the rapture comes, it won’t matter, cuz they’ll all be in heaven.

Imagine watching it live. I’m glad I wasn’t at the Moda Center, cuz sitting like 10 miles away watching on TV was bad enough.

The thing about JLP is that it was written in a rush of alleged inspiration by Morissette and Glen Ballard, so of course the lyrics read like first draft 9th grade poetry...because it basically is rushed 9th grade poetry.

Oh, also, two of the roommates were named Larry and Daryl. I really wanted to get a cat and name it Daryl as well.

I once lived in a house with 4 other people. It was supposed to be 3, but the lady who was supposed to move out when I moved in...didn’t. The personnel involved:

Further proof that Brandon Nimmo is a reincarnated golden retriever.

My first “job,” starting around age 13, was volunteering to take dictation for a local columnist with MS. I got to work with Claudia Driscoll until I went to college, and she was a delightful person who taught me a ton about writing and humor. She passed away just last year after decades of dealing with the disease,…

Yeah, time does slow down when you’re starving.

When I eat Cheerios, and only Cheerios, the last spoonful has to consist of

How the fuck is PASCO the best airport in that situation?

It’s homophobic and toxic and everyone knows better by now. Anyone who hasn’t removed it from their vocab needs to step up and stop relying on outdated terminology for their insults.

Between Salem and Eugene, on the day before Thanksgiving, and there’s a man in a full length, aged, brown leather duster and Indiana Jones style fedora. And he’s walking down the center ditch, like some kind of movie gunslinger on his way to wreck shit. I think the nearest highway exit, never mind community of more…

I took my dad to task for bad tipping a number of years ago, AND IT WORKED. He went from 10% on the dot no matter what to 20% and maybe a little extra if the service was exceptional.

Also worth noting, the same mechanism that gives you cotton mouth after you use cannabis also applies to your vagina.