I read the headline as, “Watch This Selfish Dick Drive Into a Canoe”

FUCK. I finally got into a job where I can afford to fly to races, AND got into a company with a major presence in Indy, AND into a position where I’ll have to fly to Indy to work with my team...

Hell, you’d likely break a knuckle on whatever they screwed onto his skeleton to fix all the hand bones he’s broken.

I’m actually okay with this, because if it reaches enough of a critical mass — women using male pseudonyms, white men using POC pseudonyms — then names lose all meaning and we go back to a level playing field.

I am a sweaty beast, so no, I can’t not shower. When my stomach illness was causing night sweats, I was showering before AND after bed every day. I felt super shiny (literally, I was so well scrubbed that all my skin was exfoliated to a fault), but it seemed like a massive waste of water.

One of my cousins married a health inspector. She made sure to give us a list of where not to eat in town, which included:

Roommate A heard me talking about unloading my storage unit and said, “Why don’t you ask Roommate B if you can borrow her pickup?”

They had self checkouts at my local Costco back home. It was the best. That said, I’m one of those social anxious types who’d rather fuss with a machine for 10 extra minutes than save 5 but have to make small talk with a stranger (possibly several, if there’s a line, ugh).

Dammit, Jimmy Johns. You’re so delicious, but I just can’t anymore.

I dunno, getting screened at school seems like it could also be problematic. For instance, I was writing and quoting stuff like this throughout high school, but my counselor golfed with my dad, knew my family, and knew it was part of my (weirdo) creative side. If I’d been any other kid, though, that shit would have…

Bravo.

Way to half-ass the Glasgow Smile. Try harder, loser.

Montana had that issue when they opened up the plate designs to anyone. Some of them were ridiculously terrible, but don’t get me started, because I’ll be here all day. (Grandpa ran the tag plant at the territorial prison back in the day. MT license plates are serious business.)

License plate violations are why I ended up in jail for 3 hours back in 2012. Apparently not having one on the front of your car in some states is A Thing. And if you can’t attach it because the OEM bracket is a piece of shit that falls off if you breathe near it, well, hope you enjoy your stay (in the nicest, most…

I’ve read multiple interviews with TV and movie writers who talk about how they have to clear names with legal all the time. How does a massive toy company whiff on that?

How is violent rap/hip-hop any different from murder ballads? I don’t see Australia kicking Nick Cave out anytime soon. Not to compare the two, though I enjoy both (Tyler less so, but he’s got his moments).

Oh yeah, Grandpa was there. He just didn’t talk much, and he didn’t care to bother the waitress.

Agreed. I wish my school had done that. Khakis or skirts and polo shirts for all.

Imagine being a foodie with a taste for spicy things, and then getting sick and having to be on a low-residue diet. The. Worst.

My grandmother had a touch of the Alzheimers, plus she was an insufferable human being in general. I used to make a point of running into the waiter(ess) on the way to the bar or bathroom to give her a preview of the night.