That shit would chip the porcelain when it falls into the toilet when she’s wiping her ass.

Tiaras are for bitches. I want a full on crown if I have to keep some shit on my head.

I got married last year — and my engagement ring has a small diamond (I picked it out). My wedding band is a plain, narrow white gold band. I also won’t wear my engagement ring anymore. It confounds my coworkers... apparently I’m supposed to solder them both together, and “should have” gotten these gawdy ass, ornate…

It’s better than breaking it down and vajazzling it all.

I loved that place. It is now a Subway sandwich abomination. :(

When I was growing up there was a pizzeria three blocks away that I would go to almost every day after school. The owner would give me a pocket full of quarters so I could play Street Fighter to my hearts’ content — but I think it was to keep the high school riff raff from playing after school (I was more like 7-8 at…

That is beautiful— I once made a very expensive, 2 layer brownie cake with chopped up snickers in them, a layer of peanut butter frosting in between, and covered the whole thing in fondant that i spray painted with food coloring mist and then created a tiger out of sugar and frosting—- and called it Crouching Tiger…

I seriously teared up at the person who gave the kids free stuff.

I think I love you.

Dude. Let these nutjob chicks battle it out for unflattering prints that make you look like a decorative pillow you get at Target. Wait...

I remember playing Burnout with my best friend and the people we kept playing with were not convinced I was a girl (as my best friend kept calling me by my actual name).

I found all my clothes from high school and can’t believe I’m still able to wear them. Not like, wow, I didn’t get fat. It’s wow, you haven’t dropped any weight in 12 years?

Mine would be shocked I don’t live in Brooklyn anymore, would be pissed I’m still fat, and will be incredibly pissed I gave up teaching.

I have never met anyone that looked exactly like me. However, in high school, one of my best friends and I dressed alike, had similar hair and glasses, and both were overweight. The main differences were I am close to 6 feet and she was 5’4, I am vampire pale and she is Latino and dark skinned. We did not remotely…

I grew up exclusively in apartment settings. I lived with my parents until I was 22, and shared a room with my brother until I was 18. I never lived in a house. I have always had neighbors that could hear even a stray fart. I am now 30, married, and we just bought a house in a residential neighborhood that is still…

Yup. Mr. Toilet Man Martin.

(How the hell did I not know that was Mel Brooks).

She has as much right to think that as I do to think Seth Macfarlane based Meg on me.

Have you *been* to the Beverly Hills Social Security office?!

When you’re feeding your kid grilled pork, octopus, ginger, coconut and spiders... of course they are going to have the opportunity to be foodies that think your crap Beefaroni is passé. This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that one of their fathers is a gourmet chef.

Don’t you think Chef Boyardee’s kids…

I’ll give you a hint. He is a character played by Mel Brooks.