Y'know, I thought I had mono once for an entire year. Turns out I was just really bored.

Don’t blame the drunk golfer. Blame Gary in 23C for yelling “GET IN THE HOLE!!” for four hours.

Krabbapel? I’ve been calling her Crandall! Why didn’t someone tell me? Oh, I’ve been making an idiot out of myself!

I empathize with this far more than I should.

“He’s amphibious!!!” - Emmitt Smith

His shortest explanation for anything in years.

just think how long it took the giraffe to swallow his pride!

It’s all fun and games until you oversleep because of instead of hearing Hawk wake you up, you hear silence while he goes to check on Todd Frazier

Chuck E Cheese- I haven’t been to one of these places in ages. The video game cabinets have been replaced by educational games, but the animatronic show goes on. Across the table two time Super Bowl MVP, Eli Manning squirts Elmers glue into his mouth. As we wait for our sausage pizza, Eli leans in and confides that…

The ludicrously tragic?

If he’s only going to miss half the season, wouldn’t that be semicolon surgery?

He wasn’t a good fit in their system anyways. That’s what the recruiting services miss in their rankings. Sure a guy may have considerable skills, but is he a good fit? It’s not as easy as you think putting an armed robbery kid into a rape system.

That’s not a radar gun. That’s a percent of effort given meter.

Or “Baylor homecoming”.

The drums of war are beating....and now they’re forming the shape of a dick entering the face of their enemy

To be fair, this was not Kerr’s first infraction at the school. Last year there was a devestating silent but deadly fart let out in the middle of the crowded locker room that he immediately admitted being responsibility for.

As a Cubs fans, I’m just as happy about advancing as I am shutting up the dancing troll/relief pitcher, Derek Law

Brian McCann thrashed around in his crib the right way that night.

Christ, I hope someone is pruning all of the trees at the Peterson estate. Dude’s gonna be angry.

He said “so every other play didn’t end with a shredded ligament.” Why don't YOU try some reading comprehension?