Look, I’m not saying anything, but has anyone seen Jonny Gomes and Buck Angel in the same room at the same time?

I mean, shit, don’t get me wrong, there’s a reason I clicked on this article.

I feel bad for my wife. She totally got blindsided by this, even though I said “I am literally the most normal person my family has produced, and I’m fuckin’ nuts.”

See, like, that’s the thing. I think people who get that via in-law are getting like the ass-end of the deal. In a way, growing up with him being like this for the last 25+ years, I have become accustomed to it.

When I was in my early 20s, it’d really upset me because I’d actually try and have a dialogue with him about…

First I’m like, damn, those conspiracy theories around JFK are bogus. Then you hear about a man in the sixties using the might of the Oval Office to get a pecker-jet installed, and you go... that’s the kind of motherfucker that’d kill a man to be president.

I thought it was in front of reporters, when asked why we were in Vietnam. He pulled out his dong and said “This is why.”

Can you imagine if President Obama did that? “Sir, we need a comment on how this latest incident with the Doctors Without Borders hospital might impact your drone warfare policy.”

“Well, uh, I’d…

Having a truther or conspiracy-minded relative is great most of the time, and fucking insufferable the rest of the time. On the one hand, you go into every family gathering knowing it’s going to be derailed. On the other hand you know it’s going to be derailed.

My uncle doesn’t even drink, but generally the veneer of…

Just when I thought the Cowboys season couldn’t get any weirder.

Too bad that monkey hasn’t ridden the pine in Cleveland, or they’d consider inking him to a deal to be a back-up QB.

Scientology seems very chicken-and-the-egg to me. I can’t tell if that’s what it does to people or if that’s the kind of people it appeals to.

Either or, even if she’s the biggest phony on the planet, it doesn’t really matter because no one deserves to be party to all that shit.

I guess if it didn’t feel so much like that bitter gossip that a formerly-in-with-the-in-crowd girl spreads in middle school after she’s no longer friends with the popular kids, and felt more like it was exposing some of the inner machinations of that organization...

Instead, it’s basically this:

I know this may not go over well, but am I the only one who is like “Fuck Scientology” but also like “Lea Remini seems like a big ol’ phony”? Can these not be mutually exclusive feelings?

I’m so sick of this shit. People who want to feel superior over others by throwing up a big word in huge font to try and convince others to follow their lead.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, what’s wrong with “rappelling” instead of “abseiling”, Burke?

OT: Friend of mine and I almost got into a fist fight with some NASCAR fans who took umbrage to us making fun of a “Dale Earnhardt Wall Clock” at Target once. My point that it’s like a “JFK Commemorative Rifle” wasn’t taken terribly well.

College kids like us were so edgy with their humor!

Jesus, Millenials today are so entitled! They expect wall to wall carpeting!

I bet if that concrete was stained in some interesting hexagonal pattern, you’d be more for it, wouldn’t you?

Back in my day, we used to bust our ass on concrete that was in unexpected places and it saved money for everyone. We liked it, God,…

Just in time, I have my first beer festival coming up this weekend.

I was telling a friend, knowing what we know now, it’s like “Oh, thank God that wasn’t a full spinal injury. I mean, he won’t spend the next few decades in a chair, he’ll just end his life before he turns 60.”

Game’s getting hard to watch.

I feel like we’re undercutting the fact that applying blackface is supremely difficult, especially considering I assume no one does it while looking in a mirror or any reflective surface, as I’m certain doing so would result in someone knowing it was a bad idea.

I’ll repeat my oft stated position on this: If your…

I can’t quite bring myself to watch Irreversible, but I have watched Enter the Void and it’s easily one of those movies I think everyone should see once, and maybe only exactly once. (If you haven’t really, stop reading, there’s spoilers ahead).

Whether the story is ever half as good as the cinematic experience is…

“So, she’s thinking to herself, I’ve had the old bull, why not try some of the young calf? And she grabs my wiener—”

But is body wash a syrup?