Hahahaha my mom hates the peanuts too

Linus hung himself with his blanket a long time ago

The judge’s sentence: “Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah”

It was excellent. Although not quite as excellent as Jamie Lee Curtis kicking the shit out of an Antonin Scalia masked attacker:

She was already in the lead at that point. By calling out random letters, she was minimizing how much she was helping her opponents, while letting them do all the work.

IMPORTANT Q: Does anyone here actually step into the shower before turning on the faucet/shower head bc that seems crazy to me

So apparently this guy has a long history of being a conspiracy nut. From the NYDailyNews: “Last year, Mills was taken into custody after crashing the Super Bowl postgame press conference at MetLife Stadium and commandeering a microphone from Seattle Seahawks linebacker Malcolm Smith. “Investigate 9/11,” Mills said in…

and so was Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind.

Fuck that guy.

Turdface McDickpunch

You can actually see the very moment the ref goes, “Eh, fuck it” and starts jogging.

dibs on the unicorns

Mr. Smuttins wants the mini donkey. So if there is a massive mini-donkey heist at a state fair, play it cool, okay?

Congratulations for producing a headline that defies Betteridge’s Law of Headlines.

My hope is that they got the 80 points by running this trick play 9 more times on extra points.

I’ve always wanted to get a pedicure, but I’m too embarrassed to go an show off my feet to strangers. I always think they will find them gross.

In the late eighties I used to work in a diner. A famous lady came in and sat down at a table with her male friend. Everything was going normally when she just starts screaming, I mean really screaming. Not like angry screaming, but orgasm type screaming. Nobody was touching her, her male friend was sitting across…

It reads like my... I mean someone's KFC fanfic.