Why is he devastated about "missing out" on being in an eye-wateringly shit film that (definitely) condones stalking and (arguably) condones domestic violence?

He's at the point where, if you spray-tan him a bit, he kind of looks like every single white-person-playing-an-Egyptian in every shitty low-budget/racist Ancient Egypt show/film ever made.

It's not like English has a leg to stand on when pointing out inconsistencies in other languages anyway.

Not in some parts of the UK!

Having "all was well" up on the wall implies that that fucking travesty of an epilogue is considered canon in the Lockhart, which is reason enough not to visit.

You're actually wrong, I think - AFAIK, Left Kray is the completely batty smash-everything stab-everything one, while Right Kray is the comparatively sane and well-adjusted one.

Rate-Rise Kingdom

Yes.

Bank Card With a Vengeance

I really want his lair to actually be a secrete lair, i.e. a lair where the walls just have streams of mucous dribbling down them.

Well, Bruce Willis and his non-credit-union Mexican equivalent Sauce Guillermez

I predict such hilarious japery as "Help, police, I'm at the bank and there's a robbery in progress! And some bank-robbers have turned up too!"

Nope.

I want a Gritti Mannequin reboot set entirely in early-modern Venice.

Invest it in BITCOIN, the up-and-coming crypto-currency of 2008!

It's actually just a Turkish fella called Peter, but his press conference was conducted by someone from Belfast.

It will never cease to amaze/disappoint me that, 40-ish years on from the People's Front of Judaea clip, the British left is still in the exact same state that inspired the sketch.

If the vibrators are made from phthalates, then in the long run they will have done!

Lends a whole new meaning to the old chestnut "The ümläüts äre cöming för yöü".

The Ace of Spades one should actually have been shaped like the Ace of Spades, on the basis that it would at least have made a good butt-plug.