Everyone’s laughing at this, but we got deprived of one HELL of a season. Can you imagine a season of Alonso and Maldonado on the same team? Seriously picture it: Alonso shit bricks when he had a great teammate who didn’t put up with his politics. Now imagine the same situation except the other driver is terrible. My…

How many free agent QBs have to die before Kaepernick gets the call?
Say Wheedon, Osweiler, Cassel, both McCowns, Chad Henne, Yo Gaba Gabbert and like Tyrod Taylor rent a private plane to go to the Bahmmas for a weekend party and the thing goes down in flames (much like their careers), does Kaepernick get a call then?

He would make a solid “Scott.” Chances are he would insist you call him “Scotty.”

If only there was an unemployed QB that previously took his team to the Super Bowl available...

Seeing as we are in the 21st Century, it would be nice for these folks to get within 100 years of us.

We can dream.  Williams F1 isn’t my favorite team by a long shot, but it’s good to see them in the field...

A lot of people are saying that he might be the new industrial park test driver for the Grand Tour.

I heard he is going to race spec Miata with SCCA, and maybe enter a few CHUMP races.

When Fernando Alonso was in the Olympics, skating for the gold, he did two Salchows and a triple-Lutz, while wearing a blindfold.

He’s racing in the 24 hours of LeMons

the first female F1 driver

He’s going to sing the national anthem at Yankee Stadium, then rescue Queen Elizabeth from an assassination attempt. Some random spectator will recognize him and exclaim “Hey! It’s Fernando Alonso!” before the crowd chants his name over and over...

Fernando Alonso is buying a stake in Williams and will take on a role similar to Niki Lauda’s at Mercedes F1 mentoring their new driver, Esteban Ocon, who is brought on board to replace Robert Kubica.

He’s releasing his own lawn chair line specially designed to relax and lounge in case of car trouble. It will be called Fernando Bahama. The frame will be built by MacLaren and powered by Honda. Graphic design work will be done by Jalopnik commentator extraordinaire McMike. If only I could tag him. 

This is easy, he made sure he isn’t tied into an F1 driver contract because he’s going to be the lead driver for the Bugatti F1 team that uses Porsche engines. Their main sponsor will be Bitcoin and his team mate will be the first female F1 driver. Duh.

Fernando is going to purchase one of the abandoned Ford GT GTE chassis from Ford and enter his own team in the Rolex 24, 24Hr of Le Mans, and a few other IMSA and WEC events.

I can’t stand it! I know you planned it! 

This post contains the requisite amount of Simpsons references. Well done sir. A cromulent job all around. 

It’s funny because the first thought my head went to was ‘oh hey gay pride’.