“Mr. Trump, are you playing Pokemon Go?”

It will probably be better than the Plath biopic starring Goop as Sylvia, no?

I always hoped for a tour which featured both Brand New and the Used. They could call it the Car Dealership Tour.

It’s good though if you just tell them “I’ve already read it, so just whenever you get a chance to read it. No rush.”

America will be great when it looks like Hill Valley in the alternate future where Biff got rich from the sports almanac.

South Park made Timmy and Jimmy peers of the main characters. They are not defined by their disabilities, and are annoyed at those who try talk down to them. Jimmy was the hero of a recent season, in which he stands up for freedom of the press at a time when a cowardly town could have cared less.

“Welcome home,” the roach said to its new companion. “I have traveled far and wide - from the toilet to the garbage, to the wilds underneath the couch - and now I have found you, Donald.”

“Love your understated decor, love it! Really, so tasteful. Adore the subtle gold accents. Did not know you used to pose for Harlequin Romance covers back in the 80s.”

Maybe it’s time you embraced something new....With arms wide open.

No words have ever been more real than when you typed “Jayden’s Mom”. *Fistbump to you from my former home on the Indiana side of the state line, where dreams go to die*

“It Was Never Not the 90's. (subtitle) A Tale of Ohio”

On the upside when one of those bitches tried to physically pull me out of a (Mcdonalds!) drive through window my small stature and the relative height of the window meant she couldn’t tip me over enough to get me out the window. It did not help her that I was…

reagan’s totally unironic co-opting of “Born in the USA” is the all-time greatest

This kinda reminds me of GOP candidates that appropriate some song for their campaign and the band/artist finds out and gets pissed. I think Romney did it with an Eagles song but I’m not sure.

Maybe he can replace Roethlisberger with Aaron Hernandez, try to hit on that young Latino demo.

“This isn’t a matter where I just haven’t decided yet; I will not be endorsing Trump,” Roethlisberger continued. “There are no gray areas here.”

Even a rapist has to draw the line somewhere.

That reminds me of my personal favorite “nice guy” joke:

Guys always criticize women for being “hung up on looks” and not being willing to date a guy for his winning personality, but notice that this is never a two-way street. It’s always the woman who is a 10 who should compromise and date the guy who’s an 8, never the guy who’s an 8 who should compromise and date the…

Nice guy? Sad sack? He’s a fucking stalker. He’d be arrested if he tried that in real life.

I learned all I needed to know about getting hot babes from the 90s Taco Bell commercials where the chihuahua is trying to capture Godzilla.