+1 dance with Cleopatra

I can’t focus on anything Trump is saying or doing without getting lost in the hellish void known as Mike Pence’s dead eyes.

The happiest little girl.

RIP Luther, thank you for the sammiches.

It was easy to tell who the Korn Boice were in high school because they usually wore Jncos and smoked weed at lunch behind the bleachers.

“Eat” and “Elite” do sound kind of similar.

+1 Hiyooooo!

Put the Milk Duds in the popcorn, it’s wild.

Long live Lemmy.

The email about public cemeteries had me thinking - cemetery fucking - I know it’s a thing, but how prevalent is it? Like it’s got to be less than 5% of the population has boned down in one, right?

Yes, but only if you understand you don’t fuck with mountains.

(Brisk jerk-off motion, fart noise out of mouth)

-Everyone else

Alan Jackson’s gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed...

+1 “living off the fatta’ the lan’” 

A female friend of mine in college who is waaaaaaaaaaaay smarter than me (big shot surgeon now) managed to put about two inches of the bong in her mouth the first time she used it. I thought it was funny so I didn’t correct her, until later that night she came up to me and hit me in the back of the head asking why I…

Never ending, really.

Brett Talley’s next fanfiction? The Kite Runner meets Re-Animator, where Herbert West must convince the bullying Dean Assef that he can bring the dead to life, but ends up shooting a brass marble in his eye when he comes back from the dead to kill them all.

Because everything is dumb now.

That’s just the face she made when Bill O’Reilly walked in and looked at her like a fresh piece of Aryan meat.

1. Buy French press.
2. Brew coffee in French press.
3. Remove plunger and screen, drink coffee out of French press.
4. Cry
5. Do not wash French press.
6. Repeat steps 2-6 when applicable.

This was a summarized discussion from when I was learning CPR at scout camp almost 20 years ago, all focused on a question from a fellow camper who was concerned about touching a woman’s chest during CPR. Granted, the instructor was a 70-something WW2 vet who chain smoked the entire time, but please remember this was…