I can’t believe its not more

I don’t know about Rousey, but I think Serena would kick Mayweather’s ass.

#SMEGMA

Did someone at least pretend to be dead in the pool?

Schrödinger’s tapes.

I’d like to use this opportunity to announce my retirement from acting as well in front of the bathroom mirror. However, the bedroom mirror may have one-off specials. Whew! That was hard to get out, but there you go. I feel better now.

one simple and accurate gauge of this is the fact that he wrote how soon is now, easily one of the greatest songs ever made.

And where, exactly, does Jesus command not to have an abortion? Everytime I ask a Jesus Freak that question, I get silence.

If there were a God, I would seriously be asking her to bless, keep, and protect Eric Schneiderman.

White guy with dreads, skate boarding around the Beijing airport. On his way to NK, for fun. What a catch.

When Ethel Merman used a strap-on on me, it didn’t bother me that she could see it.

I’d be shocked if I hadn’t lived in America for 30 years.

I just think it’s funny this cugine thinks he’s white.

Or the Islamic Security and Immigration Statute.

Ivanka’s “job”: Nose

I’m vegan so shawarma law isn’t really for me but if there’s a falafel option I’m totally on board.

It’ll be an affluenza defense eventually.

If only someone...anyone...anyone at all, really, had warned us

*Raises hand* I know why it’s different.

My favorite Carlin quote: