ALL MEN TURN INTO BOB SAGET IN HEAVEN

Ted and the kids are dead. Mom's the only one alive.

I am sorry that you felt that this incredibly diverse group of winners at this awards show was so boring and elitists. I guess that acknowledging that Asian, Latino’s and African Americans were represented AND winners who were called up on the stage is too much of a bother for you and not entertaining for you at all…

ALSO THIS

There was also this, though:

You devoted 11 paragraphs to this? If you're so disgusted by the waste of time, why are you wasting your time on it? Go volunteer at a homeless shelter or raise money to help families who just got their food stamps cut. Something. Anything. Jesus, what a whiner.

As an adopted child and a birth parent, this really hit home to me. When I was struggling with the idea of abortion vs. adoption, I actually had someone say- "why would you give your baby to a stranger? How could they love your child as much as you could?" They said this to me in full knowledge that I was an…

First of all, "pick a new church" is analogous to "Leave the United States if you don't like X policy" (Yes, yes, the Catholic Church is not a democracy, but lots of American policies are set through non-democratic processes.) There's something to be said for working for change from the inside. Churches — like…

This one! Not a gown but whatevs.

Can I give the one of the worsts instead? (I'm a hater.)

Yeah, I've been saying this in relation to all of this too. I'm happy with anyone being outraged and boycotting/moving from Arizona now, but seriously, why weren't you all outraged in 2010?

Irrelephant?

Um, she didn't "conflate anything." The FBI got involved and told her it was likely a sex trafficking operation. But pretty white women, amirite?

DISCLAIMER: You may not agree with what I have to say here. What you read may piss you off. I'm fine with that. In fact, I'm so fine with it that I've decided that I won't even challenge what you reply back with. Why? I'm done arguing about this with people. I've heard your views and the reasoning you use to support…

I think you mean "disabrie."

I didn't choose the milk life, the milk life chose me.

Of course not; that's why it's clearly just a joke. Jokes! I make them sometimes! (You may have noticed.)

I hope to God the Gay Department of Justice never investigates the Gay Mafia, because then the Gay Mafia will have Gay JFK killed to send a message and our nation will lose its gay innocence.

I, however, do not learn my lines in advance.
wait what?