And his name? John Egbert.

Voice-to-text is surprisingly great, though. You sound weird talking into your phone while enunciating punctuation marks, but it gets 99% of everything you say right on the first try, including fictional names like "cthulhu" and "nyarlothotep."

I got a present for you, Casey.

It's a little dirty.

A LITTLE ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES

JUST LIKE YOUR DEAR OLD EX CON DAD

WITH A HEART OF GOLD

I was also real impressed by how well it combined with the "I don't wanna miss a thing" song during the timeline of the bunny JuJu.

Everything I know about this movie, I only know because the protagonist of Homestuck has this weird adorable obsession with it, and keeps looking for excuses to act out the finale.

Nah, your friends over at Clickhole already came up with the solution to this:
http://www.clickhole.com/ar…

Pffft. That's clearly a weather balloon.

OK, can someone just say what the crap an Incel is so I don't have to burn precious Google oil searching for something that awful?

Nonono, you don't understand, they've been good girls lately, so they get a snack <3

A couple weeks ago I said jinx to a friend over the internet, and he mailed me a pack of birch beer a day later.

Nation In Mourning: Roger Ailes, America’s Jolly Grandpa Who Was Always Pulling Beloved Goofs On Ladies, Has Been Murdered By The Deep State

It definitely takes serious insufferability to make the She-Hulk die of anger.

I think it's the ship name for Ivanka and Jar-Jar?

You all seem really focused on the fact that Trump "won" something. It's odd. You cling to his "victory" desperately, despite everything that has happened since. You realize this wasn't just a game, right? That even after you "win," you have to keep playing with the same people you "beat," because we all live here…

Oh my god. I'm scared to ask this but nevermind I'll Google it myself.
…
Oh, hey, no casualties?! That's way better than what I was imagining. I mean, this is horrible and disgusting, but I'm glad there wasn't a mass shooting this particular time a crazy guy with a gun broke into a building full of children. Also, this…

I mean, you could spell LAMB at least.

Don't let the door hit on you on the way out.

And that's the USA for you.

It's weird, because conservatives are the ones who are mostly white, incredibly cold inside, and when gathered in large numbers threaten to shut down public schools.

It's gotten to the point where I honestly can't remember a time when a Trump supporter made any real attempt to defend Trump beyond admiting he was no better than anyone else.