*big fart noise*

Out of curiosity I googled “Trump” and “Killed” and I’ve now discovered most every extremist blog on the internet

You're also assuming that someone, step dad or otherwise, is maintaining a sensible and well thought out strategy while blackmailing their target throughout the NFL draft

You’ll get nothing and like it

“And then the commissioner is TECHNICALLY supposed to relinguish the power to some other body inside the National Football League, but I said ‘Where is that even written down,’ so I was just trying to be a good guy, and do the right thing, and man everyone is still mad at me. But you’re not mad at me, are you Sheryl?”
“…

It’s all fun and games until you match with Hope Solo

“Raptors O.K. with trying their best, thank you very much”

Were there any stories that were almost too devastating to write, or didn’t make the book because of such reasons?

My struggle to pick a GOP candidate to play with is akin to what my struggle would be if I was aligned with that party. Uhhh... I guess..... uhhhh... Kasich?

Yeah, my fat ass could at least go 1-for-28. Unless the other coach pretends there is a really big bug in the room, and all of the girls on the winning team REALLY SELL their lie, and run around the room for the entire second half pretending to live in total fear while casually bumping into the losing team to send…

I once projectile vomited out a shamrock shake when I was 13. It’s the only thing McDonalds sells that makes vomiting fun for the whole family.

You know, if Johnny actually spent some time at a tea facility, he could be enjoying the peace and tranquility that only normally comes from eating a Snickers bar.

It doesn’t appear I can order it even if I want to, as they are currently unavailable...

It doesn’t appear I can order it even if I want to, as they are currently unavailable...

This one. It’s so simple, yet so perfect.

There should be a special state law that says if you make a delivery guy deliver without tipping him in the middle of a storm, he should legally be able to throw you down the stairs. The higher up you live, the more steps he gets to use.

Respect the 12! The same way we respect the 12! You know, when we bought it from someone else!

Now, how do we market it?

“Man, make sure to get my van in there. Shit looks cool.”

I feel like I should’ve been warned about that videos music. My god.

I’m sorry Tom, but all “sports are depressing, fuck sports, fuck your team” posts have to be written by Drew today.