Oh, you've been watching 12 Monkeys.

I read this novel as a kid. They even made it into a bad Sally Field movie.

One of the voices was named “Sybil.”

Don't give TOO many calcium-rich dark green leafys to the piggies. I learned that the hard way. My little guys used to love spinach.

Until one of them came down with bladder stones caused by all the excess calcium in his daily salad and had to have surgery.

Poor widdle piggie.

Tomatoes, now, tomatoes are fine, as long…

Chic and slimming? You must be blessed with either a) no hips, b) no ass, c) both of the above and/or d) an exceedingly short torso.

In any or all of the above cases, enjoy mopping the floor of public restrooms with your couture.

Ya haven't seen "Pride and Prejudice," I take it.

That'll clear up all your mysteries right there.

As a malliot*-wearer since the age of 8, I have to cry, "LET IT ALL HANG OUT, SISTERS!"

Because mine's gonna stay tucked in, where it's cowered since I was in knee socks and plaid over-the-shoulder jumpers worn over a turtleneck sweater, thank you very much.

*That's what Teen Magazine called one-pieces in '82. Sounds so…

You apologized nicely to the server for stiffing her? I'm sure that will help when her rent comes due.

You subliterate, shitswilling, self-absorbed assbag.

I believe you can substitute bourbon for the mezcal and just mix bourbon with bourbon and therefore make the drink from bourbon.

Talk to a dermatologist.

S/he will tell you all the showering is stripping your skin's natural oils, which causes rebound oiliness. And the dry cracked skin is also caused by over-exposure to the soaps and the hot water.

But don't take it from us.

Talk to a dermatologist.

A quart of vodka and a lock on any cabinet containing sharp objects to prevent self-harm would be my best guess.

Stop the presses, everybody.