Fuck these NFL highlight tweets. Almost every single one requires following links that open three different browser windows before I can actually watch the clip on my phone. No highlight is worth that hassle.

Paterno probably could have avoided the injury had he not been too busy looking the other way.

Getting tackled by a girl is nothing to be ashamed of. Now getting tackled by a kicker...

“a mummified Peyton Manning”

Sadly, no more Cardinals losses.

Sadly, he had no idea what to do when he reached third base

Funny, Adrian Peterson’s son’s face is imprinted on his cleats too.

Cowboy abuses Redskin woman.

Haters gonna hate, but I respect any Olympic athlete. Except those horse riding fuckers.

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Did Bofa get signed though?

Congratulations to the Cardinals for turning two double plays.

Not crazy, that is essentially chili mac with cheese.

This sounds delicious but also like it’s desperately asking for diarrhea.

Most of the Little Debbie catalog holds up well. My favorite were (and still are) the Nutty Bars, but Zebra cakes, Jelly Rolls, and even the Oatmeal Creme pies are still pretty tasty.

Macaroni and Cheese still tastes as good as it did when I was five. Right out of the box too. None of that fancy shit.

He might not get traded.

He’s already demanded a trade to the Pirates.

Yes, we can apply it to a lot of things. “Everyone is a responsible banana eater until suddenly they aren’t.”

Everyone is a responsible gun owner until, you know, suddenly they aren’t.