“It is finally time for Republicans and Conservatives to fight back—we have more people than they do— by far!”

So what you’re saying is: it’s pish.  Why the B-?  

Not a smear. It’s a schmear.  Makes it sound dirtier.

Lillian, darling, you need to get yourself a crisp butty. Just get a roll - not brioche (that’s far too greasy and 99% of shop-bought brioche are an insult to the name) - but preferably something white. Crusty or non-crusty, it doesn’t matter. Slice that thing in half and butter that bad boy up...and then literally…

Jamie Oliver, bane of my existence, abuser of olive oil and threatener of children’s right to enjoy Turkey Twizzlers at school. Why won’t he just piss off already...oh hold on, this is from 2008? Fnarrr....

They didn’t leave Sharon behind. Sharon wanted to be left behind, knowing that she cannot set foot on US soil (I’m surprised, given the US’s Evil Empire routine over the past 20 years, that they didn’t send in someone to extradite her).

Le sigh.

I don’t have a dining table for the simplest of reasons: I don’t have the space. But if I did have the space for a dining table it wouldn’t be made of wood, purely because I’ve got a tiny ninja living in my home who hates wood. Attacks it on a regular basis. Drags his little daggers down it at every opportunity and…

“I’s adorable and you cannot deny it!”

I’m sorry, LOL, but hold on. They showed a film where the heroes die at the end to a group of soldiers going overseas to fight a war in a historically-hostile region?! Wow.  

Er, sorry, no, Justice. Your total for the total dead from a pandemic is somewhere around 2.85 million. For the US epidemic it’s 555k. I know it’s nit-picky, but it stood out for me.

I love this guy.  Let’s get this out on a tray....nice!

So the three chocolate brands mentioned above - Fry’s, Cadbury’s and Rowntree - were some of the biggest confectioners in their day. Cadbury bought out Fry’s in 1919 and eventually was swallowed up by those fuckwits at Kraft. Rowntree was taken over by Nestle in 1988.

Heh, Shona is/was a popular girls name for a while here in Scotland. I was at school with a few Shonas. It’s the Gaelic form of “Jane”.

Florida Man, like all Americans, would have probably whipped out his penis-excuse and pumped some lead into our poor wee octopus pal.  #TeamOctopus

Well, I’m #TeamOctopus. Clearly that shitehawk, sorry, “seagull” had it coming and our eight-legged friend was pissed that it didn’t get a chance to drown the feathered fucker so it took it out on this guy for trespassing. I mean, dude, if it throws tentacles the first time, you don’t piss it off by swimming over its…

The American remake of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is never going to compare to the Swedish, even if Stellan Skarsgard is deliciously evil and twisted. When this happened and this song came on? I chortled out loud in the cinema...

Take your star, damn you!

Even worse - when the CrossFit Junkies “discover” a playpark in my housing estate that’s apparently “underused” and the horde comes swarming down to do a “routine” on the climbing frame.

Right, firstly, fuck him and his creepy doughy face. Fuck him with a hot poker.