Edited from the final copy:

The MMA equivalent of deciding to not campaign in MI or WI.

He’s the first Duke guy to endorse the four corners.

I’d argue she’s the Whitney Houston of this generation.

Hey now. Everybody will get their turn sucking her dick. Just stay on your knees.

We’re in 2017 — something like this should not happen in America.

Just fuck already.

Is Nikki Haley gonna write a whiny letter about this too?

It is amazing to me when Americans do this. It is very bizarre to rest of the world.

“I’m Dave Matthews. Remember me from college?”

Ilitch, in death I will forgive you crimes against pizza.

I assume the taxpayers are financing the funeral?

Seems to me that Dolan is the one in need of a twelve-step program. One on his throat, one on his left nut, one on his right...

I don’t know man. There’s nothing I love more than hearing a white billionaire play the blues.

Not being able to let go of the smallest thing, suggesting his opponents are mentally unstable, and conspicuous files of paper that no one gets to see? Dolan 2024!

I remember hearing the same thing from the last time Hillary Clinton lost an election. America would never vote for a black guy with a weird foreign sounding name.

Trump’s so terrible we can run anyone we want against him and win in a landslide!

Also they forgot to thank the troops for protecting their rights to be kicked out on a whim.

Assuming someone else was in fact driving the car.

Internet petitions are worth the paper they are printed on.