“I want you to suck my cock for me.”

Goose Island makes a really good root beer. But that’s not what I want to talk about.

Good. They fired me and kept my last paycheck by accusing me of stealing and rigging a private lie-detector test. It was give them my last check or they’d call the cops. It worked.

I hope you’re right.

That kid in the purple has a Donal Trump haircut. Dear God.

Mike Huckabee’s God is an angry, spiteful God. I hope that God strikes him down for this crime against humanity.

About 30 years ago, I worked at The Grant Boys in Costa Mesa. Dick Dale came in and tried on a few pairs of Levis. As I was putting them back, I found his wallet in the back pocket of one of the pair.

I sincerely believe that Trump is just trolling the Republican Party and isn’t really serious about this whole thing. I mean, that’s the only plausible reason for this, right? RIGHT?

I saw a shark about to eat Knoxville.

Waddle and Silvy in Chicago is a pretty good sports radio show.

It is totally worth it. Totally.

Dear Donald,

I was at Heavenly a long time ago. It was drizzling at the base and it turned to ice then snow as you went up the mountain. The lifts had blocks of ice instead of seats. I called “single” (because you went right up the line) and was paired with a guy about my age (20's). I was wearing jeans, he had on those plastic…

This screams of “why didn’t I get a nomination?” I’ll tell you why, Mr. Lee: Your movie was bad.

Every person at the airport who has told me to have a nice flight. Every. Single. One.

Reminds me a little bit of Utz’ Extra Dark Pretzels. It’s a bag full of those occasional pretzels that are just slightly overbaked. I know they’re available in Philly, but I’ve never seen them west of there.

Back in the 80's when I was at San Diego State, I spent a LOT of time in Mexico. Back then, a case of 20 10-oz Coronas was $6.00 and you got a dime back on every bottle you returned. Now it’s $9.00 a six-pack and it’s terrible.

Those count, too.

But when you get a vasectomy, it’s not immediately effective. In fact, my doctor told me it would 60 to 75 ejaculations before I was cleared of sperm. I did a quick calculation on the frequency my wife and I had sex and realized I was going to be fertile for 5 or six years.

I am happy to say that my grandmother is 103 and is just as sharp and healthy as this wonderful woman. She still drives, lives alone in a beautiful two story house (her bedroom is upstairs), and is sharp as a tack.