I’m not a fan. I can almost stomach it without the cheese. I don’t understand why anyone would want processed cheese for breakfast. Or anytime. But especially for breakfast.

He talked about emotional “ups and downs” and having his life “torn apart” in the media.

“make cereal”

When I was an intern, working at an auto assembly plant, an operator unzipped his jumpsuit and pissed into the grate under the paint line. Just mid shift, whipped it out and peed.

Thank you for explaining clothes to me. Can you do food next? These things are confusing.

I got out of a speeding ticket about a year ago by telling the cop I was having intestinal problems and trying to get to a bathroom.

This is on Jezebel because there’s no reason it shouldn’t be.

You really need to proofread your work and make sure you’re quoting your sources accurately. This is the second article today I’ve noticed with glaring problems.

Is anyone else surprised he managed to hold it long enough to be put in the car after being tased? You’d think your body would freak out and you know...release anything it was holding right after getting shocked.

I saw Richard at LAX once, chatting up some fans.

I will proofread the shit out of this article for pennies, seriously.

My son, then 16, was in Europe with his history class 3 years ago. They were in Paris, just hanging, when someone approached them, saying in a sing-song voice, “I love Par-ee!” Aidan, who had no idea at the time who Richard Simmons was, thought this was just some homeless guy approaching them, so (because he fully…

I hate him! He’s so smug and he ruins every movie with his need to butt in with his science shit. Did they really need to fix the night sky in Titanic? If Titanic needed to be fixed it would be so Rose would make room for Jack on that damn piece of wood, not because the stars in the sky weren’t right.

No, I agree. I was disappointed when I saw him in Zoolander 2. I mean, I was also disappointed I saw Zoolander 2 but...

He lost me when he had all those tweets about why Gravity was bad. It’s like, Neil, I know a lot of stuff happens in space movies that does not accurately depict how space works, but the amount of exposition you’d need to explain why things that work differently in space would make for a shitty movie. Which actually…

I threatened to shit in my neighbor’s yard because he lets his dog roam and poop in everyone's yards and destroy things. I've had enough, so you may see me on the news one day soon.

Even in his telling of the story, he admits that he didn’t go back to pick it up til confronted...

I get the feeling that Randall’s neighbor had been habitually not cleaning up after his dog and the neighbor filed the restraining order to make himself look like the “victim”.

You shouldn’t smear dog crap on your neighbor’s door, sure. But also, you need to pick up after your dog. That’s part of what you sign up for when you adopt a dog.

Why can’t she and Keanu just fall in love? Keanu would NEVER smear dog shit!