Sea Lioning is never harmless, my dude.

My application for Bret Stephens’ personal social media manager...

Sigh... fucking sea lions!

How dare they have “good” characters turn dark, dark characters reveal a core of humanity, and turn high fantasy tropes on their head? I am shocked, shocked and appalled because apparently I haven’t been paying attention to the show at all and also, I am an idiot.

Alternative reality Lewis Black looks like shit there.

Little do you realise that cheetosaurus was perfectly evolved to find and feed on dropped chips, cheesies, and other snacks.

So she was just following orders then. Cool, cool.

Same thing you’re doing now. Fail to troll a large online audience with feigned ignorance.

I picture HamNo day drinking hard. Real fucking hard. Biting his tongue, and then drinking some more.

“Idealism dies without pragmatism.”

No. No it is not. You are wrong. Objectively, morally and empirically wrong. Anyone making such an absurd claim is either an imbecile or a paid Google employee. If entertaining the unthought expressed in your headline for even a single second doesn’t cause you a feeling of shame so dense it has a palpable gravity…

Best. Character intro. Ever.

That’s an improvement though, right? I mean, I for one think it’s nice that he’s finally applying himself. Kudos Ben. Kudos.

Fuck ‘em. If they can’t bribe their way in proper-like by paying for a building or at least a Wing, then they may as well be one of us hoi polloi and deserve no special treatment. Fuck em.

Huzzah! Now we get to use our consumption choices as political statements. How fucking rad is that? Go go capitalism! woo! Box office boom or bomb, we all win! Especially the military industrial complex that got to use this entire fucking movie as a recruitment ad. Fear not though, it’s all about getting more girls…

Bill “De” Blasio

Bill “De” Blasio

If you were to talk to someone with a second head growing out of their shoulder and didn’t even consider going “HOLY SHIT DUDE YOU HAVE A SECOND HEAD GROWING OUT OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SHOULDER!!!” then, well, I think there may be something wrong with you.

Counterpoint: Doodoo head. Like, beyond the capacity to ignore. You know those tales of eldritch creatures so beyond horrible that merely to look upon them in all their awesome terribleness is enough to drive mortals mad? He’s that, but of doodoo headedness.

You would think so, except for how much of a truly massive doodoo head Stephens really is. It eclipses everything else to such an extent that it would be simply disingenuous NOT to start with that.