It’s her! She’s pregnant!

Like thirsty for approval I guess? Like, reaching? I dunno, I spend too much energy trying to parse the slang of younger millennials. I finally figured out what “on fleek” means, and I think I’m ready to be done.

Though, as Shelly Miscavige would tell you, hiding is pretty easy to do once Scientology gets involved!

what are you talking about, your hair is beautiful.

woot

I just shook myself like a dog.

The solution to disproportionate responses by the government to persons of color is not to call for disproportionate responses by the government to white people. It’s to stop disproportionate responses against persons of color.

Dear terrible parents, If you have babies and don’t want them, please contact me. I have space for three and every intention of changing diapers, feeding regularly, and generally giving a crap.

Maybe they just planned to buy an elevator in Britain?

How I picture Ellie and Joanna

His songs were what my friends and I awkwardly slow danced to in middle school. That's what Oasis music is for...awkward middle schoolers awkwardly slow dancing at middle school dances.

Yeah it works great, actually.

That’s nothing. Wait til you see Patrick Steward and Pat Quinn (Magenta from Rocky Horror Picture Show) gettin’ it on.*

Ted Cruz is that one guy on a night out who refused to get the bus with everyone else, and you’re stuck waiting around for him at the pub before the club for so long that you fuck off to the club (you call/text him and he doesn’t call back), only to get continuous texts with variations of “Where r u?” that you don’t…

It doesn’t matter what you give them; you’ll never actually see them use it. You’ll just find it unopened, tucked away in a drawer when you clean out their house after they die.

I probably could’ve run a meth lab while living at home in high school and my parents would’ve been oblivious.

Maybe that’s the point. Everything about this says, “I hate you, Daddy!”

Tempted to fake a video just so we can all watch you eat a dictionary

I’m donating a kidney in the spring to a young father with three kids that I heard about on facebook. Having an extra kidney isn’t what it’s cracked up to be- the doctors tell me that when one fails, usually they both fail. The process has been pretty easy so far. I’ve gone through all testing necessary. I’m only…