Every time a man denies enjoying ass-play an angel gets pegged into ecstasy.

My instinct is to do the commercially reasonable thing.

Where the fuck does this guy think he is? Disneyland? Seriously, “I want my parents to have a great experience”? No one owes you that, you fucking special snowflake fuckhead. To use the advice of his own hipster kind, if you don’t like it, MOVE THE FUCK OUT.

reduces women to our reproductive organs in a way that never happens to men

God I know, right?!? I hate it when people from war torn countries don’t look poor/destitute/pitiful enough. Fucking posers.

One room for boys! One room for girls! Intersex people get to shit in a cupboard!

I imagine those “things she’s said” include pride in her long political record and work for children and women, refusing to renounce her (really quite popular!) time and work as Senator for New York, and likewise her time and work as Secretary of State. And, surely, all of her pronouncements about her qualifications…

How. In God's name. Does an octopus. Commit suicide.

“oooh, I could master your thesis”

They are our kids.

I was explaining the whole Wiz/Kanye/Amber/Blac Chyna/Rob/Khloe/Kim thing to my wife yesterday and said it seemed like something out of Shakespeare. She responded, “No, because Shakespeare can be followed. This is a Russian novel.”

Truly a man of the book. Great book, read the whole thing. Phenomenal. Lots of words—good words—true words. Two words? Fabulous book. Five stars on Amazon.

This just made me laugh and then wonder “wait, can you even bake cocaine?” And I was about ready to google it before realizing that there are just some things you maaaaaaybe shouldn't have in your search history.

God, I have such a love/hate relationship with Obama on immigration. It's like we're in an abusive relationship.

But when ageism really only affects one sex and not the other, is it really ageism?

I got sweet nothing, which is exactly what I wanted. I don’t do gifts, Mr Squiggles and I donate a lump sum to a charity instead of buying gifts that no one in our families need. Then we get everyone to donate to a charity of their choice. It’s made the holidays so much more relaxing, less financially strained, and I…

Turkish Tobacco is just fun to say. Everyone loves alliteration. What I remember seeing in my dad’s closet though were called Thai Sticks, which I’m sure were not from Thailand.

When I was a kid I didn’t know elevators went up and down. The doors closed, the doors opened and everything was different. I couldn’t figure out who was moving the new furniture in and out, let alone the warp speed they were apparently using.

When I was younger I believed that people who were assholes became that way because their mothers gave birth to them anally.

I love you.