“God does not play dice with the universe...but he uses Russia for target practice.”

We don’t know when, but we know it was us who scorched the sky.

Always wondered why Miller was burning clothes in Repo Man...

I went on “Win Ben Steins’ Money” because I was too intimidated to go on Jeopardy. I was like “Jeopardy? I’m no Ken Jennings!” My hat’s off to you, sir.

You’re as likely to get hit by a car as murdered in San Jose. Not sure if that’s good news or bad.

Ask the Chamorros - the natives of Guam. They’ve been there quite a while right in the WestPac Typhoon path. Portuguese missionaries recorded everything in writing since the 16th century there too.

Eggplant, open mouth, eggplant, open mouth, eggplant, open mouth...

Going to Chuck E Cheese for the pizza is like joining the Army for the food.

25,000 well compensated robots, more likely. Paid in robot oil? Lug nuts?

They need to update that old Nissan Leaf commercial with the polar bear hugging the Leaf owner to polar bears eating SUV owners (then hugging the Leaf owner again).

I thought the remake was taller.

> Uber will now check if you’re okay after a crash

[Pink Floyd’s Richard] Wright asserts that [Former guitarist Syd] Barrett’s problems stemmed from a massive overdose of acid, as the change in his personality and behavior came on suddenly. 

The found him out as he kept searching the priors database for women who had priors for “giving blow jobs on the first date”.

Yeah...the only password! That’s the ticket!

> “The park rangers discovered the colony, which had just gained 35 new pups, on Sunday when the park reopened following the end of a government shutdown that lasted a record-breaking 35 days...” 

Why do people think bears rubbing toilet paper on their faces sells anything?

> “If The Little Mermaid is where the Disney Animation boom started, The Lion King was kind of its ending.But what a run it was, ending in this stunning work...” 

Oh Florida Man...you never disappoint.

Overpopulation solution?