i hope you find your wife while pooping

It leaves me distinctly unsatisfried.

I had my nexplanon replaced a few weeks ago and I was like “nope, I don’t care what the package insert says, we’re using condoms for the next two weeks”.

I’m surfriesed it bothered you.

Well, have it your way.

I think the city of Beijing has already got that one sewn up.

This story really flame broils my buns

It’s brutal out there, especially where I live in the deep south. Most men here are accustomed to women who make less money than they do. The exceptions are the people who work in government, and they certainly don’t want a liberal feminist. Five years of accepting every date offered, and everyone fits into one of…

Philly: “The City of Brotherly Hitchbot Murder” (tm)

You’re already on the toilet. Why are you asking for more shit?

what about people like me, who just use tinder for something to do while on the toilet

Towels marked “His” and “All His".

This is great news. Maybe one of the emails will tell us what she got for Donald and Melania off of the wedding registry. My guess: shrimp forks.

I can’t decide if working eight hours a day to comb through someone’s work emails looking for ANYTHING of interest would be like a treasure hunt or binge-watching Frasier.

I’m wondering if there were any other women who had this mix-up because this is a huge one.

And all y’all bitches said vaccines weren’t dangerous. WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?!

Somewhere a pro-life nutjob is condemning this woman for suing because she should just “accept God’s plan” and shouldn’t be angry that she was blessed with another child.

That sculpturist was really generous in not giving that figure his wonky eyes.

Trump weddings are like eclipses - cyclically recurrent, not very easy on the eyes, and a great excuse to get drunk

I actually would think it’d be fun! At least you know there’ll be an open bar with expensive bubbly.