When my childhood car puked up a shitload of tapeworms, kid me said “mom, Percy threw up spaghetti! And it’s moving!! The spaghetti is alive!!!”

Last year I worked in a rundown public school. Once during a staff meeting I took a drink from my cute metal water bottle, set it on the floor (the meeting was set up as a circle of chairs, no desks/tables). A few minutes later I took another sip. And felt some large object next inside my mouth, like I had slurped a…

Watered down juice. It's the only solution I've found to this problem for kids. Praying they start to love kombucha soon. Because you can make that shit for super cheap and it won't kill you.

It’s amazing how personally you take something like this!

no READING MATERIALS?

You went to culinary school? Awwww.

lolzzzzzz if you’re a “chef” you know how much it fucks things up to have people ordering dumb shit that’s not on the menu. There are plenty of options for people with their dietary issues to have without forcing the kitchen to make something not on the menu. And these special snowflakes probably know there’s butter…

How about just really pissed?

As if port-a-potties aren’t scary enough. My dad had a girlfriend when I was a kid who joked that june bugs were going to crawl up your butt if you used the port-a-potty. As a kid I did not understand that this was a joke and still worry and agonize think about it every time :(

This is pretty much the one thing my partner can do to guarantee some steaminess. What’s better than being naked, oily, and cared for by your partner all at once?

What a sore loser.

Wow. This is an incredible piece with wonderful writing. I wish I was a fancy person with cool connections who could hook her up with a sweet writing job.

Damn. I’m feeling more lucky than usual to be a twin. Plenty of weird issues, nothing like this tho. Plus, mind reading.

That was my thought, uhhh hey remember how Milwaukee is IN Wisconsin? The state where you’re the governor? You don’t get to blow off the largest city in your state and them blame it for your problems, asshole. As a proud Milwaukee native, fuck this dude to the furthest corners of hell (Fond Du Lac).

Vice is pretty into courting writers away from their jobs, and they start early. My bestie works at a pretty big arts and culture publication and has been an editor/writer for just one year, and Vice is the first and only company to have reached out, basically saying “you clearly have potential, you’re probably not…

Ahhh this is totally me! I LOATH it when my family/friends/whoever sort of ignores the server. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO BE GAINED BY SAYING YOU’RE NOT READY? WHATTT? It’s such a weird phenomenon.

My husband, a chef at a tiny cafe he opened where the cooks also take orders and it’s all one big open room basically, does this to assholes - usually people who demand egg whites only. He uses a fuckton of butter to make those “healthy” egg whites. And people are amazed at how good they are. Heh heh.

Jesus. GROSS.

Yeah, so tense. Another reminder of how terrible I’d be as a celebrity, I can’t handle getting scolded for being late much less something like this.

The only part about this that might not be spot on is the part about the clip - big media orgs have clips like that at the ready, usually multiples, so that they can get the “story” out ASAP, before anyone else. I mean, most places even have obituaries ready to go so that if someone dies they can just tweak a few…