Hey! Focus! This is about Tony!

Alternatively, Tony, never write this letter. NEVER. I don’t care how you feel, don’t write this letter. Firstly, no one will ever care about your boner. Secondly, it’s just a bad idea as it shows how little you understand of the world outside your own needs. I’ve been where you are, for every day since I hit puberty.…

I wonder how many not-unattractive 47 year old women Tony “notices.”

OT: You see “anthropomorphized Twinkies”. I see on and off-label xanax.

Because minions are anthropomorphized Twinkies, which kill children much more slowly, in order to extract maximum consumer value.

Because they’re fucking stupid and not funny and my NEPHEW GOT A GODDAMN MINION TOY IN HIS HAPPY MEAL AND IT WONT STOP MAKING LOUD, UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES ALL FUCKING DAY BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO TURN IT OFF

Because, like anything that starts out cute and harmless, companies try to extract every single cent out of the phenomenon, tying things together with every conceivable angle and marketing ploy, thus taking something innocent and fun, and making us hate it.

How do we know the Minion wasn’t the one to push her out in the first place? WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

OMG. Scott Disick!! That’s terrible! And I’m just talking about the “art.”

“Leave A Trace” suggests they haven’t evolved much in two years

THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!

I mean that girl deserves like 4 paychecks for that show.

I WANT TO PUT THE RIGHT THINGS IN ALL THE RIGHT POCKETS.

My OCD has the biggest boner right now.

No kidding. This is my dog (schnauzer mix). The only person he’s ever bitten is me, but we’re terrified that he’s going to bite someone else. And this is a problem, because this poor dog NEEDS to be socialized with humans (he wasn’t when he was a puppy, surprise) but we don’t know a lot of people in our area and it’s…

I actually had an interview with an interior design company that I was interested in working for. The owner told me in the interview that she doesn’t hire unwed/single mothers because their kids keep them from work. I stopped her there, told her what she said was discriminatory, I was a single parent and that we were…

Hulu keeps bombarding me with Paper Towns previews and it looks soooooo bad! I’m convinced Zooey Deschanel secretly made that movie out of spite. “Keep calling me a manic pixie dream girl, will you? I’ll show you a pixie dream girl so manic you’ll gain a newfound appreciation for the gritty realism of New Girl.”

Thank you Mark. A longer work titled “A Fair & Balanced Fuckfest: Where The News Cums Hard”. It is about Fox News getting poisoned with a sex drug that makes them act like deviants. I hope for it be out next month. It was quite fun to write.

Aw, I love Jezebel! My year is made. Thank you for the kind words!

I’m legit tempted to start an indie tampon company just so I can brand them as such. And design the box, omg it would be amaaaaaazing.