Why, once I was chatting with my own dear mother - okay, complaining bitterly about this and that. I exclaimed "Why didn't you just strangle me at birth?" "Well, I always assumed that eventually somebody else would do it for me," she replied.

In high school, the reply “your mom” was super popular where I was (possibly years after it was popular everywhere else) and people used it constantly. Because I have a super dark sense of humor, I waited and waited for the perfect time when someone would thoughtlessly say that to me and it finally happened one day…

I was with some friends in a bar and this douche started hitting on my friend and being a real dick about it. She was trying to be polite about it, but I didn’t feel any such obligation. So I whispered something in her ear about him and she laughed. He saw it and replied, “If you’re mad that I’m talking to your friend…

My 16-year-old sister looks a little bit older so she occasionally gets hit on by boys in their early 20s. At one point, this one sorry fellow tried to convince her that “age is just a number,” to which she quickly retorted, “a prison cell is just a room.”

Not especially sick or clever, but I give myself props for not walking away and muttering to myself.

Waiting at the airport for a flight. There’s a line of about 10 people at the counter that were delayed from an earlier flight. Some dude pushes past the line and screams at the desk agent that, “(He) has to be on this flight! And it has to be first class!” Agent tells him that she can help him but he need to wait in…

burns are great but reactions are better

Good for her! Has anyone started a crowdfunding site to support what she’s doing/help pay for any needed legal defense?

I <3 this gif

I don’t mean to be creepy - she is a nine year old, after all - but I want her eyebrows. Now, please. Thank you.

Oh Christ. You’re right, Bill, the fact that you’re fucking a lobbyist is no cause for alarm at all. The libruls are just being big meanie-heads.

This is a penetrating observation!

His staff is working on a bill

It's about ethics in lobbying.

So you’re saying that if I go to DC in a tight ass dress and am willing to blow some gross old conservatives I can bring about world peace, or at least like, stop them from trying to vilify abortions and women’s health?

You can’t blame him. As a conservative Republican he assumed that, with her being a woman, she was just making up that whole “job” thing.

What is the world coming to if a politician can’t orgasm in a lobbyist?