The Denver airport conspiracy theories are just about the only ones I somewhat kind of believe in because there are so many weird things about it! A few choice items:

Yeah, well, Dr. Puke, I demand that you see this double bird I’m flipping you. What a maggot-ridden piece of pig shit.

I will name the child in the header picture for free. She is now Ohmygod NommableCheeks. You can call her Nom for short.

They should have known this was going to happen when he hung up a Rita Hayworth poster.

I completely forgot that William “Gil Grissom” Petersen was in this!

YES! I’d never tried them until I went to Vegas last year. I had been walking around all day and was starving, saw them, popped in and basically had an orgasm. I’ll be hitting them up again next time I’m in Vegas, and I’ll be getting a shake this time too goddammit

I read a tip somewhere (can’t remember where, unfortunately) that if your skin gets really red and irritated in the shower, then wash your face before getting in, slap a sheet mask on, shower as usual, take the mask off, rub in the excess serum from the package, and voila! I’ve gotten better results from doing it this…

Have an awesome time! I’ve been to Japan twice and it’s the best place I’ve ever visited. Kyoto is my favorite city in the world.

The fact that you finished cutting the lawn while this was happening has made you my icon, my hero, my everything.

I tend to get traveler’s constipation, and after getting back from Costa Rica, several days went by until I realized “hey, I haven’t shat in almost two weeks.” (I too am an infrequent pooper.) Took a laxative, nothing. Next day, another laxative, still nothing. Gave myself an enema and oh my god. I was SOBBING because…

I just...I want to die now.

The smelliest thing that you will ever smell, with the possible exception of a pig farm.

For some reason I decided that using a neti pot for the FIRST TIME EVER, immediately after eating Carl’s Jr (aka Hardee’s, depending on what part of the country you live in), was a grand idea. I started laughing so hard upon seeing water streaming out of one nostril (I am easily amused) that I swallowed a ton of salt…

Okay, that sounds awesome. My dress was white and strapless and had an asymmetrical hem. I went with my friend/secret crush and at one point he started doing a weird dance, so I imitated him and he said “No, I’m trying to tell you to pull up your top, your boobs are about to pop out!” I should have known better than…

Yeah, aside from the (allegedly) dying part, that’s my dream life!

Basically the ONLY requirement I had for my prom outfit was that I be allowed to wear elbow length gloves. I looked fabulous (uh, for the times) but man those things got frickin’ ITCHY after about an hour of dancing.

BLACK DAHLIA?!? What kind of fucked up-edness is that? Abby Lee Miller seriously wanted a young girl to portray a woman who was brutalized in such a horrific fashion? Is she on the dope?

Oh my god, Antonio Banderas in a room full of cats? It’s the life goal I never knew I needed to attain!

THANK you! I was coming in here to ask if anyone knew the name of the eating disorder comedy that aired a few years back and here it is. I remember it not being all that bad, even though I have an intense dislike of Eric Schaeffer.

One of the things I love most about President Obama is how great he is with babies and kids. Whenever you see Donald Trump with a baby, he looks like he’s going to go full “Saturn Devouring His Son” on it.