“The Adeles of the world out in the streets” sounds fucking AWESOME. An entire army of fabulous singers in black dresses, stabbing the patriarchy in the heart with their stiletto-filed nails. I want this to happen.

“He also specified that he “shouldn’t be calling it the O.J. Simpson case. This is the Nicole Brown case.””

“El Flaco y La Flaca, Gracias Por Slim Fast!”

Thank GOD both Star and OK! have ***EXCLUSIVE!!!*** paid advertising—-oops, excuse me, interviews!—-with Univision celebrity Raul de Molina and how he lost weight with Slim Fast products!

I’ve never had much of an opinion on Jennifer Garner one way or the other, but damn if this doesn’t make me like her. “I refuse to be the ashes”? Sweet fancy Moses on a hot buttered biscuit, that is awesome!

28. I was the inspiration for the Muse song “Assassin”. I can kill a man in under 30 seconds using just my yoga-toned thighs and a bottle of kombucha!

I’ve seen more than my fair share of hentai in my life but this made even me do a head tilt and say “....huh” in an awed voice.

This is some weird-ass marketing for The Witch, isn’t it?

You’re not missing anything by skipping In Touch. It’s owned by the same publisher as Life & Style, so they have virtually the same articles as each other every week.

I’m a little confused (and hungover so I might be missing something). Is it $15 for EVERYTHING, including the episodes in March and April, or $15 for just the 3 part mini-series that comes out on 2/23? Because $15 for everything seems suspiciously cheap.

CORDYCEPS?!? The fungus that turns insects into zombies? The inspiration for The Last of Us? Yeah, that’s something I want to put into my body voluntarily. No thank you, Juice Lady.

AND Hot Pursuit, which I watched about 15 minutes of for free on a plane and then stopped even though my Kindle’s battery had died and I had nothing else to do for 2 hours. At least This Means War had Chris Pine and Tom Hardy to look at!

Dear god. I’m hoping nobody reads this on UD and actually tries it since blowing air into a vagina can be incredibly dangerous.

There’s an update to this story; now the aviation authority is saying “Um, no.” Watch for additional updates in which aviation authority executives are haunted.

Remember when Paris Hilton had a pet kinkajou named Baby Luv and it bit the shit out of her? Ah, memories.

And plenty of drinks, of course!

My doctor said something similar; he said “I could prescribe you pills but it would be cheaper to just eat some chips or pretzels once a day.” My kind of doctor!

Cosigned. My doctor actually told me to eat MORE salt.

Ack, are you okay?

Uh...what’s with the Sharpies?