New phone, who’s this?

Oh my god, the MEMORIES! I think I had just about every single thing on this page. In fact, there is a mortifying photo of me at the age of 3 (?) pushing the toy grocery cart while completely naked. This was the “I can’t wait to show this to your future husband” photo that I hid for fear my parents would make good on…

The woman who sits next to me at work is a huge BBT fangirl. HUUUUUUUGE. She has a framed TV Guide cover in her cube, for chrissakes. She said she wants her granddaughter to marry Jim Parsons (yeah, about that...). The day after a new episode, I have to listen to her recap it to everyone within earshot.

I watched about 3 episodes of Scream Queens and it was just so PLEASED with itself that I quit.

How do you think I got those fleas in my beard?

Not here for your balloon and pizza shaming, In Touch.

I must heartily recommend Dietland by Sarai Walker, which is sort of a feminist Fight Club about a group of women who take out people they think are dangerous to women. It’s got a lot of interesting things to say about body image, and every time “Jennifer” (the collective name for the women) threw a rapist out of a…

Britney. She’s a massive guilty pleasure of mine and she has provided us with some QUALITY bops over the years. I may or may not twerk all over my living room to “Toy Soldier” on a regular basis.

Pssssht, everyone knows Myah Marie actually did those equations.

Where is this man’s ass?!? Did Jennifer Garner get custody of it in the divorce? Did the phoenix burn it? Is the phoenix rising from the ashes of Ben Affleck’s ass cheeks? I distinctly remember seeing a picture of him a couple of weeks ago and he had some badonkadonk going.

Next week on Jezebel: “Would You Have Sex with This Poorly Inked A-Lister?”

I would! We’d drink eggnog out of Mason jars before lighting some tobacco flower candles, putting some Mumford and Sons vinyl on the turntable, and banging under a string of Christmas lights (white only, of course). He would be good at oral but prone to blurting out cheesy porno-isms like “hnggh, baby, yeah, lick that…

::ladyflower dries up, will never be wet again::

I took Ambien once and wound up having a very lively conversation with my comforter. It was kind of cool, but it also freaked my shit out so I don’t think I ever want to take it again.

The guy with glasses from CSI:NY (ETA: Carmine Giovinazzo; character’s name was Danny) and I were in a penthouse and he was banging me up against a plate glass window. It was hotter than HELL, but the absolute best sex dream I’ve ever had was Viggo Mortensen having sex with me in a library and he kept growling in my…

Ah, yes, the motto of ancient Rome: “Mi Vida Loca”.

~flags~

I’m currently reading Girlvert by Orianna Small (porn name: Ashley Blue) and it’s really disturbing. She lists NUMEROUS examples of being forced to do things she didn’t want to do, including being choked so hard that she literally “saw the light”. I wish she had named and shamed that particular asshole, but I googled…

Unfortunately, Dr. Luke is a MAJOR force in the music industry, so I think it’s going to be a case of Sony choosing him over Kesha. There’s a new book called The Song Machine by John Seabrook that has a lot of information on him and his impact on the music industry, although it only includes a little bit about the…

My guess is he wasn’t actually looking for kiddie stuff, because of the “big tittied” part, but for barely legal porn, which legally counts as teenagers (18-19; I disagree with him on the “21 to 40” range) but they’re “young” enough to get some people excited.