I have often wanted to offer myself as mom when I see how certain kids are treated by their family. I find it utterly heartbreaking when parents don’t accept and love their own children. I wouldn’t charge though, and I make a lot of dirty jokes. But I offer great hugs and back scratches.

Post photos when you do, please. *thumbs up*

You should paint your mailbox a non-conforming color. They’d have a stroke.

Only if Liberace and Matt Damon were there. Honestly I’m not a saint and I enjoy the finer things but what brain mechanism allows you to achieve this level of POINTLESS SHIT THAT’S EXPENSIVE when you could quite literally end suffering for many humans and animals with those resources?? I don’t fucking get it. But I’m…

Won’t you please step into my mall?

Exactly. If decadence was the fall of the Roman Empire!

I’ve seen Streisand’s house from a few hundred yards down the coast. It’s up on a bluff, so maybe there’s rock underneath it, but I sure as hell wouldn’t feel comfortable building something that elaborate below grade in that area. Malibu—especially the part between Pacific Coast Highway and the water—is a geological…

Future HOA board members, obviously.

Does Trump’s hair not technically qualify as a burka? I mean, its either a burka or a squirrel that escaped a forest fire.

I would TOTALLY move into your house, as long as you introduced me to Seymour. He sounds so sweet!

Yes, we will. Even though we aren’t legally obligated to since he died in this house over 50 years ago. It sounds absolutely crazy but knowing he is here and on our side has always been a comfort to us. Telling a potential homebuyer about Seymour, the man who built the house, loved it and died in it has lots of appeal…

Exactly. I give $100 to Planned Parenthood every time I drive by protestors in front of a woman’s health clinic near me. I have two teenaged daughters and we smile and wave, letting them know that their efforts are helping PP.

How in the heck does this not violate HIPAA?

Since men are doing all the raping, why not have a curfew for men instead?

Wife of Uncle Fester

A friend of mine has already dressed up as Kardashian holding a bottle of champagne that’s spooging a stream of insulation-foam over her shoulder onto her big foam-rubber ass— and goddamn if she didn’t hold that bottle + foam arc up all night, with one hand! She’s a real trooper (and her deltoids are amazing).

So happy to see my home state in the news for something nice for a change.

Is the dog okay?

He was just one dog week away from retirement.

Anybody read “Crazy Rich Asians” and “China Rich Girlfriend” by Kevin Kwan?