you better shut up and serve

Better Off Ted

Proper response to this is, “No I don’t. Do you know who I am? I’m the guy that’s going to be handling your food. Would you like me to handle it happily or angrily?”

My favorite was always the ol’ “I’m friends with the owner!!” I would smile at them and very politely say “Great! Just go ahead and shoot him a text that you’d like to to get seated and he will let us know. I would love to seat you, but I’m not authorized to skip anyone to the top of the list” Only one person out of…

Best answer is: “a douchebag with amnesia?”

I’m either calling the cops and charging that woman with assault for spitting on me, or (more likely): “Oh, you’re going to write a letter, are you? I’m going to follow you outside. I’m going to write down the name of your boat. Thanks for telling me where you dock it. Now I know where you hang out and it will be a…

I once had a b-list celebrity start whining to me at one point because I wouldn't give him the moon and he pulled the “don’t you know who I am” card. It was so satisfying to look him dead in the eyes and reply, “No, I don’t, and I don’t care.” His face was priceless.

Nah. She deserves something off the Special Stabby menu.

My personal favorite:

We have a winner!

If you’re not a straight Victoria’s Secret model, just don’t wear his dresses, m’kay?

I’d second genetics and also, STAY OUT OF THE FUCKING SUN. You bet your ass that this 60 year old Southern lady stayed out of the sun when she was young.

Skin care secret: genetics. Besides basic good sense (sunscreen, smoking etc etc) there’s nothing you can do to outrun genetics. I have taken zero care of my face and thanks to my parentage look 10 years younger than I am. Unsurprisingly so did my dad and mom.

Ding ding ding!!!

Seriously, sometimes it feels like most fashion designers dislike women and would rather just design for clothes hangers and mannequins.

I’m just saying, it’s very déclassé. The cool kids are wearing otters. Not even pelts, just live otters. It’s very now.

Wasn’t there a brand that offered the cast of Jersey Shore money to not wear their clothes?

A fashion designer who’s openly misogynistic and has no regard for any woman who’s not built like a 2 X 4?

Can you not call him a moron? Can you call him a rape apologist and psychopath. Moron just doesn't quite cover how fucking insane his thinking is.

Always bring three more pairs of underwear than you think you’ll need. (Thanks, Mom!)