I actually kinda feel for Johnny. Here is my Totally Doesn’t Know The Guy feeling about all this. He started drinking too much. Vanessa was like ‘this is bullshit, Depp. We have kids. Get your shit together’ and he did what any addict would do... went into denial.

I know someone who worked on a movie with her and Harrison Ford (yeah, this is secondhand gossip) a couple of years back, and said Heard invited Ford to a platoic dinner and called the paps so she could float a rumor they were having an affair. Ford wasn’t pleased.

I’m so tired of people bringing their dogs everywhere. YOUR DOG DOESN’T WANT TO GO TO THE MALL.

I doubt she would see the irony. She seems to have her head pretty firmly up her own ass.

It’s pretty rich of her to construe a homeland security dude doing his job as “trying to get his 15 minutes” considering she hitched her wagon to an aging alcoholic superstar and hasn’t looked back since.

She does a rich, famous actor. That’s what (who) she does.

Hmm. I really didn’t have an opinion on Amber Heard either way until just now. And now I think she’s an ass.

Well...wow, Amber...thank you for reminding us laws are for peasants and the lower-class scum.

Went to Gettysburg when I was a kid with my mother, my brother, and my grandmother. My grandmother, who can’t drive for shit, drove the whole way and refused to let my mother take the wheel. So we were treated to her constantly stopping on the goddamn interstate to check and see if she had missed her exit, while cars…

Vince Vaughn was pretty okay for a minute a while back, but John Mayer? Bleerrrhghghuughgh. I mean, the List Of Things I’d Rather Fuck Than John Mayer is long, my friend, and it includes “pile of rusty bottle caps” and “dildo made of frozen Spam and road salt.”

Is it wrong that I’d like to see video of you taking down his dad, brother, drunk uncle or whoever else tries that shit? Fuck them!

It has always struck me as a horrible omen for a marriage if you start off by assaulting each other with food.

I. Would. Cut. A. Martha. Farker

My late husband and his best man were in charge of transporting the liquor and the wedding cake to the hall before heading off to the church. They very carefully filled the trunk of the borrowed Lincoln with all the booze, then gingerly set the cake on top.

I’m going to go ahead and bend the rules so I can pass on my parents’ wonderful tale of woe:

My folks very reasonably decided to forgo an expensive wedding and put their money towards the purchase and remodel of a house. To honor this decision, they kind of had a house-themed wedding in their backyard, complete with a…

My pops is black and my mom is white, and when they got married in the early 80s in buttfuck Colorado this was quite the anomaly/scandal. They couldn't find a black groom cake topper so they just sharpied in a white dude. Nothing says “special day” like blackface on your wedding cake

I’m convinced that couples who do the cake-smashing-into-the-face thing at their wedding don’t stay married. That’s some aggressive bullshit to start off a marriage.

It’s so incredibly rude to do that. Rage boils when I see a video or someone thinks that it’s funny or cute.

I’ll hold your purse while you throw some punches. I hate the cake smashing tradition and make my opinion clear when I made the cake.

I plan to tell my future groom that I will annul the marriage immediately if he tries that crap. It’s disgusting.

It’s hard for me to take her feminist point of view seriously as she dresses like a sexy 12 year old little girl.