Times Square sub par restaurant experience on 12/31-$400 and up. Being able to pee in your own potty sans tourists or the necessity of wearing Depends undergarments= priceless.

Next is “Media slut flavor of the month/rabid attention whore”.

Every time I see her I think about the stupid wigs on inflatable Sumo wrestling costumes.

I miss the full service gas stations. Many moons ago when I was working retail in a freezing cold climate, the full service gas station across the street from the mall ALWAYS hired young good looking guys. Great service and a hunk checking your oil and cleaning the windshield while you got a fill up=Smart business…

A brain that is “non-functional” because it has tumors? My late husband Eric kicked mental and physical ass while enduring treatments (surgery, radiation, chemo, 2nd surgery)for a large brain tumor. He taught himself to play the cello, designed and carried out the work of planting a gorgeous garden, and was one class…

Ok, 2 birds with one stone: We have an overpopulated planet and waaaay too many entitled assholes. So with every new person born/created (or heck, let’s throw in every new immigrant or refugee) we get to deport a giant asshole to somewhere decidedly less populated, i.e. Siberia or Outer Mongolia. First on the list of…

Not just NYC- everrrrywhere! Come and mock the tourons in Orlando, guys. I’ll be the one off camera fetching you mojitos.

True story- I have a relative who worked for Burt & Loni at their property in FL. He said Loni was a very sweet lady and was gracious to all- and Burt- not so sweet.But not entirely a jerk to the staff.

My heart goes out to your friend

Thanks for attending my wedding. Let’s share my addiction to carcinogenic overly hyped foul smelling crap that will age us all prematurely (if we don’t die a miserable death looking like Juno from Beeteljuice first).

Ughhh, that and the dreaded word “nookie”. That’s right up there with “moist”.

And maybe a portal to hell, too.

I’m picturing Liam Neeson scanning a script (very intensely, of course) that has just been delivered to him. His new role- A man who must take mad ass-whooping revenge on the two bitchy twats shown on House Hunters who just dissed his 6 month old kitchen remodel. (Sound of a rifle clicking) “I’ll show you dated…

Thanks- I am happy to say that she was thrilled with the bottle opener we gave her last year at college-drum roll- shaped like a dolphin. Hope your holidays rock :)

You are a kind and thoughtful Mom. I’m only a few years into the Step-Mom game, and I’m striving to get her the goodies she might be pining for now that she’s a single girl in her 1st apartment.

And you win for best name

“Your eyes look like two piss holes in the snow” after learning how to apply eye shadow in a non-whore-esque way.

I plan on giving my boss a nice card...But for the certain cretin bosses of yesteryear inspired me to think of “just the perfect gift”:

YES- not just at work, frickin’ EVERYWHERE on earth. Even the names of these ripoff pyramids are annoying. “The Pampered Chef”? Ugh, it makes me think of a fat slob in an apron and a saggy diaper trying to hawk overpriced cooking doo-dads.

In the 1970’s, my sister was married to a man who’s brother was in a mental institution. When she visited him, she witnessed many of the patients acting out in weird (but mostly controlled) ways- like attempting to smoke a ping-pong ball and claiming to be Christ of the Laundromat.The men were given a clean/safe place…