I vote Sam Bee for interpreter.

This. All of this. This was how I learned to lie my way out of things as a kid, because I was terrified of what would happen when I made a mistake.

I was asked to turn on the parkwide outdoor air conditioning three times in my two and a half year tenure at the California park. The first time I was like, ha ha, you’re cute, and then she just stared at me, completely serious.

Believe me, princess, I’d have loved to been refrigerated all day while working outside,…

Solidarity. Keep fighting the good fight.

But yeah, I turned out “all right”.

It just managed to make me first fear my parents so much that I would do ANYTHING to avoid getting hit, then later distrust that they’d actually help me if I got into any sort of trouble.

What the fuck. I’m so sorry that people dump this garbage out of their brains onto you.

:(

I’m sure your son looks like Amy, not her Younger Sister.

OH MY GOD

What a beautiful photograph.

FUCKING. THIS. I had to tell a friend this week to quit making light of abusive home situations because some bad things happened to me as a child, and my other friend legitimately turned to me and said, “Awkward.” He meant me.

God, I lost it watching Bob lose it.

This is me too. Even numbers make me anxious. I think I like the symmetry of having something in the middle if an odd number of items are laid out in front of me.

I have Pure O (thank God, not as bad as it could be), and yeah, I have been there (and keep coming back there; thanks for that, chemical imbalance) and I’d like to thank you for making that acknowledgment. I can’t tell you how many times I’d been told to DTMFA when I made the mistake of expressing these rotten doubts…

Now that’s thinking ahead.

Oh my god, I had to talk a bride whose wedding I was in out of those stupid boots. I was like, already dropped $150 on this ugly dress I will never wear again, please do not make me buy ugly footwear I will never wear again.

I think all they’d get would be maybe a blurry shot of somebody’s stiletto zooming by. I almost guarantee that won’t turn out like your friend thinks it will.

My wedding was small and comparatively inexpensive. Not hitched at city hall, intimate dinner for 10 cheap, but definitely not the tens of thousands that some people shell out for the full service fancy party shebangawang.

THANK. YOU.

Just avoiding doing my job, ma'am/sir.