So I have taken it upon myself to invent new ugly holiday trends. Two years ago it was a bedazzled velvet pantsuit I found at the Salvation Army.

Same, except I had baggy silver butt. Bonus: I was fourteen, so, right smack in the middle of Peak Beach Humiliation Years.

It BETTER get cold soon. I had the MOTHERFUCKING AIR CONDITIONING on in my office today it was so hot. I live in DC. What the actual hell. I’m dying. I can’t handle sunset at 5pm AND being so sweaty I can barely stand to wear socks.

I had one like this and as soon as it got wet, it lost any elasticity it might have had and I was left with a baggy gold butt and my tits performed the great escape all afternoon. Harumph!

Accept That It’s Going to Be Very Cold Very Soon

NOPE

I’ll tell you one thing. I won’t make the same mistake of telling my husband about those boots like I did with the lace catsuit.

When I got my period at 13 my mom wouldn’t allow me to use tampons because they would break my hymen and my husband was supposed to do that. Around the same time she got me a purity ring but before she would give it to me she asked me in a terrified voice if I was still a virgin. I was like, um, I’m 13, so yes. She…

I found out that “make love” was sex because I was singing along to the Spice Girls “2 become 1” and I asked my mum what it meant and then I was embarrassed whenever I heard that line.

I grew up in a pretty religious home and got a very glossed-over, generalized sort of sex education. My mom was pregnant a lot so I was aware of the mechanics of fetal development, but not so much how the fetus actually got in there. I thought it all over when I was like 7 or 8, and came up with a very scientific…

So, because no one taught me anything growing up because lol mormons don’t talk about that, i didn’t know what masturbating was until my non-mormons friends told me around age 11. They said, yeah you just go in the bathroom, get some soap and rub it on your dick.

So i naively went into the bathroom that night, grabbed…

I knew it involved rolling around in bed with nightwear on because I saw a lot of Dynasty/Dallas when I was really too young for it. I made Barbie and Ken roll around while naked, but I was both excited and ashamed… Later I read my mother’s Jilly Cooper novels and other sub-porn romances that I cannot reconcile with…

As a child, I knew nothing about sex except that’s how the man fertilized the egg. At the time, my dad would use a seed spreader every year to fertilize the lawn. When my mom told me she was pregnant because my dad fertilized her eggs, I thought he took her out to the yard and drove over her with the seed spreader…

when my parents told me about sex and they said “the man puts his penis into the woman’s vagina” i assumed the penis was disconnected and inserted. Like broken off and shoved in. i cried and cried and cried for hours and hours and my parents couldn’t figure out why i was so upset until i was able to get out, between…

I knew sex involved the penis, vagina and hip actions. Once at age 10 I tried to sway my hips as I walked like models did and I was promptly told by my mother stop walking like an adult. My mom did tell me a bit about the hymen and she made it seem like there was a layer of tissue that the penis would bust though the…

My mom says she had this conversation with me when I was little:

We actually have a codeword in my family for sex: “Polka.” Because when I was little, my bratty older sister asked me what I thought sex was, and not wanting to give her the satisfaction of embarrassing me, I replied, wizened by many a soap opera viewing:

I thought 69ing was sex, though I didn’t know that that was what it was called.

Include me in the group of men who that it involved peeing. In the pre-internet days how was I to know that there was something else that came out of my penis?

I had a book called “Mummy laid an egg” which pretty much summed up sex for me from about the age of 5 or 6. It explained a) how babies were made and b) that adults have sex. It had pictures like this: