Saw a mermaid once. I saw the woman half sticking out of the water, waving her hands frantically towards me, so I waved back, just to be friendly, I’ve never met a mermaid before, so what do you even say?? Then she disappeared under the water and must have swam back to her mercity. Pretty neat little day at the beach.

Personally, I found his tribute to Flight 370 incredibly touching.

I don’t get it. Touching hands is a lot less physical contact than getting your ass handed to you.

Forget the money. The money is always going to be there.

Arod’s 2003 wRC+ = 151
Giles’s 2003 wRC+ = 146

They created basically the same pure offensive value.
And this wasn’t a fluke cherry-picked by Marchman.

he likes to eat diarrhea on a hot dog

LAWYER: Well, my liege, the Hogan lawsuit has been filed. They shall never survive.
THIEL: It’s not enough. No, I cannot simply destroy them through the courts. The FBI must prosecute them. The NSA must spy on them. The CIA must... destroy them.
LAWYER: Pity me, for I am just a sniveling worm. But may I ask how this…

Russia

Football suffers the most in person from TV. Those commercial breaks kill the live experience. And no other sport really suffers from that. Football will stop a drive to take a TV timeout.

by not drinking water out of toilet bowls and tanks?

Most public restrooms use tankless toilets. How did you make it this far in life?

Today in Alternate Future History:

Size Pictured: M

I need to save room for the Pop Tarts I plan for lunch.

I’d take the time to express my disgust and outrage that Sandoval showed up to camp fat and out of shape except that I just had two Twinkies & a Mountain Dew for breakfast.

Analyze this: You are in the nosebleed section of a 76ers game.

Well technically Lance could only plop “A” genital on a woman’s face.

“Could be funnier.”