Well once I start trying to bite you to death, feel free to shoot me. I rather like all of my limbs in tact. If that makes me a pussy, so be it, but at least I will still have all of my fingers to flip you off.

I’m willing to wager good money that this will not be in the top 20 bizarre things that happen in Walmart parking lots in Florida in 2018.

I vow to enter a room like this girl more often

Apple walled garden blah blah blah superior blah blah blah Google blah lol blah.

I’m calling BS on his explanation. Tebow played in the Arizona Fall League last year. Did he always warm up in the left on-deck circle then? Has he never been to a baseball game before? There’s no way this fame whore didn’t do this on purpose.

I don’t think you understand the purpose of a strike.

I honestly had no idea it took this long to caramelize onions. Next time my wife is barefoot in the kitchen caramelizing me some onions I’ll ask her how long it takes her to make my sandwich.

What’s the exchange rate of Zunes to iPhones? Asking for a friend.

Yeah, won’t matter. The people who believe every word Trump says basically are immune to facts and reason and independent thought.

I would be curious to see statistics on the effectiveness of pat-downs/full-body scanners compared to the pre-9/11 metal detectors.

Whoa — so YOU are the one who knew how to use Wave.

BIDET MAKERS HATE HER!

Yes, I don’t already do this. I simply rinse the brush with a flush, tap three times very gently on the toilet rim to loose the majority of the water, and then put the brush in its holder, where any remaining water evaporates.

“While I’m gone, I’ll be reachable by email but not phone.”

~Andy Borowitz

The family of the vet does get to make a choice. Owens’ wife made one choice (yes, you can use me as a prop); his father made another (GTFO you moron whose idiotic decision got my son killed).

As long as you can get American soldiers killed, you will always have defenders, because there will always be people who think saying that American soldiers were sent somewhere to die for no good reason is more offensive than sending American soldiers somewhere to die for no good reason.

Good Deadspin is so incredibly good.

Ah, the hypocrisy is thick. Remember when he went after the Khan family and accused HRC of using them as a political prop? Fun times, man. Fun times.

How pathetic is it that, 45 years after this horrific event, we have a President that suggest maybe Jews themselves committed acts of vandalism on their graves and called in bomb threats on their schools, all in order to make him look bad?