Matt Damon, keep this kind of behavior up, and I will refuse to gay marry you when you finally meet me one day.

I can’t even handle Affleck when he's acting.

At these meetings, they introduce Effie Brown, an experienced Hollywood producer and a black woman. She has produced seventeen feature films, including Dear White People and boy, the Irony Gods are working overtime today.

I feel for Jones, though. I really do. He’s such a troubled young man, clearly haunted by ghosts, and doesn’t know where to turn or how to get away from them...

I’d sell my kidney to just ride around in a tank with Vivienne Westwood, protesting the capitalist patriarchy.

They never took a doggie bag home and they never touched Golem Jesus’s meal.

And we still haven’t arrested George Bush and Dick Cheney and handed them over to the Hague.

They just released a picture of the two arresting officers:

Hey, whatever did happen to those “Stand By The President!” people?

I’ll ride or die with whatever Joe does. His VP debate with Paul Ryan was one of the most epic ‘Who the fuck do you think you are?’ performances I’ve ever seen on live TV..

I heard that driving home. He completely sold me. M girlfriend and I snuch into “Breathless” when I was 14. All we had in mind was making out during a weekday matinee but we ended up loving that remake mostly because of Richards dialog. The french girl was sexy window dressing. I damn near lost control on my car…

You’ve forgotten that Sarah will die in childbirth.

According to the article, Gabriel was homeschooled. Because of course he was.

At least she isn’t allowed to vote.

I bet after you typed that, you re-read it a few times, and thought it sounded really clever.

Did everyone else not immediately assume that it was Jennifer Lawrence?

...and then, Julia Roberts pulls up in a fancy sports car and turns this homeless drifter into a high society romeo.

The false dichotomy store called; they’re fresh out of unhappy trolls peddling grim visions of humanity that they’ve concocted to make themselves feel slightly less terrible about their own failures. You should head down there.

Neither can Adnan. Amirite?!?!?