Doctor: Jose, we're rushing you into surgery right now. We can save your finger.

Well, I guess now we'll find out if that human growth hormone really works.

The finger then bounced off his head and went over the outfield wall

Great costume, but his placement needs to be adjusted. He's a foot off.

Thank you for letting us know they were Native American. It was crucial to your good story.

Patented Dock Ellis view technology. Nice.

A better joke would be something about Obama forcing them to forfeit their guns.

I didn't think any humor could come so quickly, on the heels of yet another pointless tragedy.

A team forfeiting a league title after a tragic school shooting, this is what happens in Obama's America.

Damn, man, this whole "don't eat shit in New York" thing is gonna be hell on Guy's American Kitchen & Bar.

"There was so much blood I didn't think I had blood anymore."

was this the episode where Cosby tried to rape the cable guy?

James Shields spent the first three innings shitting his pants and he had the courage to do it in front of millions of people.

No, just go with me here. I mean this might sound a little crazy, but give it a listen. [licks lips nervously] Are we even sure troops were sent over there in the first place? [tugs at a string of gum] Like, yeah I saw all those pictures of supposed [does air quotes] soldiers on the ground [does air quotes again]…

And once again, Pete Carroll is mocked and ignored when he should be listened to. No one out there is better equipped to discuss the ins-and-outs of a long-term war and the occupation of an enemy's territory than a former Trojan.

I know it can be intimidating, but I like where your head's at.

I've got my own:

Panda: Eats, Shoots, and Leaves

Upon receiving notice that Michael Sam beat up his boyfriend, he was subsequently re-instated and appointed team captain.

The NFL's new 'War on Domestic Violence' seems eerily similar to America's 'War on Drugs'... Reactionary, with the wrong approach, wrong ideas and wrong resources.