If you had an absurd amount of money, I’d commit to seriously believing the earth is flat on the chance of getting a free flight to space.

It’s really very simple. Don’t be an asshole. Don’t be an asshole to fat people, don’t be an asshole to alcoholics, or drug addicts, or the homeless, or...people in general. Not only is it bad to be an asshole, but, if you’re genuinely concerned for someone and your stated goal is to get them to change their…

I came for the Lizzo support, and then got bonus Jameela Jamil awesome saltiness.

Oh wow, I completely misread the title. I thought it meant that Jelly Belly was debuting a sparkling water-flavored jelly bean

Classic black liquorice seltzer you cowards. It'd probably be good for cocktails actually. 

I hate when you put tomatoes in the fridge and they come out grainy. My wife insists everything must live in the fridge. 

“There are a surprising number of mice and roaches living in most office buildings.”  they’re your co-workers, am i right?  ba-dum-bum.

The worst is that jerk who microwaves fish in the office microwave.

Yes, and it used to be billed as an “Atkins-friendly” pizza, back when that was a thing. As a person who loves grease and has an almost unlimited tolerance for fatty foods, this was just too much, even for me.  But.....

Any canned fish should catch whomever opened it a shunning. Also, the asshole, and there’s always one, who reheats leftover fish in the communal microwave. That fucker should be made to work from a janitorial closet.

I used to absolutely hate raw tomatoes.  After I turned 25, I finally moved somewhere where I could have good tomatoes, and that changed.  You never know when a long held hatred turns around on you.

I use my desk’s file drawer for my food stuffs. Let’s see what’s in there...

What the hell?! I’m more eloquent than this when I’m VERY drunk. 

Food gatekeeping is the worst kind of gatekeeping.

Answer 1: the restaurants I like most.

This is all true because there are no Italian people in Chicago or anywhere else more than 50 miles from Manhattan.  Not even Italy.

I can solve this problem.

The best bite on a triangular pizza slice is the first, the point. On a square cut pizza slice you get anywhere from two to four non-crust point bites, meaning that tavern cut is at minimum 200% better than triangle. Suck it, east coasters.

Pancreatic cancer took my Mom almost 11 years ago this month.