Who needs a career surgeon?

*tears phone book in half*

Ot.... Carlos Danger!

I genuinely believe a good percent of the leaks he’s so obsessed with are coming from someone tapping his so easy to hack phone.

I mean, that’s all well and good...

“Jared...Jared! Who is this Baba Booey who keeps calling me?”

1-202-DUM BASS

Whatever this phone’s number is will be the new EMAILS. And we can sing it to the Empire Carpet jingle at protests.

Hope Trump is ready for non-stop dick pics from Rodrigo Duterte.

“Herr Trump? Ja? Please, do you haff Prince Albrecht in a tin container of some zort? Vell, you had better let him out, ja? HAhahahahaha!”

OH GOD PLEASE TELL ME THEY PRANK CALL HIM ON THIS LINE.

Possible numbers:

Yeah, it does go to his parenting ability. Photographing yourself with an erection is not something that should be done in front of your children.

Maybe, but maybe not.

Not surprised that with her upbringing that she needs a recipe for ice...

Queen Elizabeth II is a classy broad. If she were to eat popsicles, she’d eat cherry-flavored ones on a porch in rural Scotland. And keep the champagne for later. And not Tweet about either one.

Let’s get the killer’s friends to patrol the city with guns. Great idea!

You’re welcome!

So, I’ve just discovered that there’s is NO SUCH THING as “too much John Oliver grooving” and would like to paper my wall with these things.

I kind of love that the site it is listed on is called “HotPad.”