Dear God. Don’t listen to this Nick Martin person. NC BBQ is trash and a crock-pot? Dear God.

Baron Davis.

Are the Rockies for real, or nah?

Two questions:

The Cubs enjoyed celebrating on your field last year.

He dominates OTAs like Yi Jianlian dominated that chair. SUPER BEARS! SUPER BOWL!

Drafting injury-prone players with high upside is how you build a winner, right, Ryan Pace?

You just made Frankenberry very angry.

I remember when I moved from California to Colorado, I was happy I wouldn’t have to deal with earthquake damage anymore. Besides the occasional blizzard or hail storm, what can go wrong in Colorado? The answer: unforeseen explosions!! Fuck yeah, Michael Bay’s got nothing on the Denver suburbs. USA! USA! USA!

Now that makes sense! Thank you, wise sage of rash guards.

“Rash guard”? Everywhere I’ve lived it is called a swim shirt. East coasters are weirdos.

Boltman is terrifying in all of his forms.

My kids like to see Dinger at Rockies games. Dinger’s suit has NOT held up well. It looks like he has mange. In conclusion, he is properly rated.

Slightly closer, I guess.

Pinto Beans are refried beans (which are the best and are just mashed cooked beans that are possibly strained) and they are not on this list. YOUR LIST SUCKS. I DEMAND A REFUND OF THE DOLLARS I PAID TO READ THIS LIST.

If the Celtics advance, that would put them in the top five teams in a championship series/game that no one gives a fuck about because they were terrible and didn’t deserve to be there (non-hockey division). Here is the current rankings, in my mind, which are clearly wrong:

Ha! But have you done it again? If not, you learned that, contrary to what Dalton from Roadhouse taught us, Pain DOES hurt.

Only three worthwhile pieces of advice I can give:

You sound kind of miserable, man. Perhaps a walk?