I know, right? Remember the good old days, when straight couples could still hold hands in public, or even kiss? Why did the gays have to go and make that all illegal and stuff! Thanks Obama!

If you have a cat carrier, Jackie Chan asks to take pictures with you.

I can't imagine voluntarily going to a wedding.

i've always been able to tell the quality of someone (whether it was a date or a business lunch) by the way they treat their servers. if they're an ass that's the last they'll see of me.

Of course, please risk going to jail for my brat of a child! Makes perfect sense.

Nothing good can happen to you while wearing an airbrushed shirt, nothing.

Christians have been brutally murdering people LONG before guns were invented. And complaining about the "war on christmas" is the bitchiest thing ever.

Seriously. Not a single flipped car or asshole hanging from a traffic signal. FFS, there's not even a couch on fire. All I see is a bunch of people taking selfies while a few cops amble by. The smartphone has killed the sports victory riot.

Actually the kids SHOULD get whooping cough, as it can prevent choking which does run in the family.

Boom.

That face.

Leave Darren Sproles alone.

Big whoop. My wife's been carrying my balls for years.

My bourbon, butter, and chocolate diet is looking better every day!

Come to Minnesota. We have cookies.

You kids with your memes and gifs and jifs and internet!

She's calling out Sherman, because he "denigrated" Bayless. That's all you need to know.

That girl is lucky she didn't live in the 70's. Back then, Needling Dick got you put on the enemies list.

Causing a tear in the time-space continuum kind of screams PEDS.

Good things there aren't gays on this show, though. We're much more difficult to explain to your daughter than late-night ocean sex with strangers.