No, this is poetic:

Nothing gets peak physical performance out of a professional athlete like constantly waking him up in the middle of the night with whatever meaningless insight you gathered from your 17th hour straight of watching video.

Fueled by five or six 20-ounce cups a day from the Kuerig coffee maker that is an arm’s length from his desk,

It was the highlight of the last ten years of Dolphins football. I’m serious, no NFL team has played more totally forgettable games than the Dolphins have. They have entire seasons where literally nothing happened. 

The most unbelievable thing about a television show where The Rock won a Super Bowl with the Dolphins and now manages millions for players alongside the shotgun to the dick guy from Hot Tub Time Machine while some other heavybag goes from football to retirement to selling cars to GM of the Rams in 2 years is that the…

Very surprised Drew didn’t mention the 1972 Dolphins in his “what has always sucked” section. Those motherfuckers are the worst kind of Boomers, rooting for the failure of Millennials while spewing that “back in my day” bullshit.  

Yeah, I mean all New England did was remove the words “Head Coach of Cleveland Browns” from his name and turned a retread into what is likely the best coach of a our lifetime. Since the Bengals are basically the sloppy seconds of Paul Brown’s life it would make sense that there is a diluted but still similar stink…

The last time this team won a playoff game, the first person to interview the head coach & QB was a black-glove-wearing OJ Simpson.

So I’m bored at work......

Good, I wasn’t the only one who read “Nathan Peterman” at first

Very cool...let’s hope he fares better in his debut than another Nathan currently in Oakland whose last name starts with a P and ends with an N.

There I was, behind center for the Buffalo Bills. What madness led to this I had no time to ponder. As the supple leather of the ball slid into my hand, I took one step back, then two, then three. As I surveyed the field for potential recipients, I saw an outside linebacker charging like an angry rhino directly at my…

Am I the only guy who thinks of this guy when they talk about Peterman at QB?

My goodness I wish Zodiac Motherfucker would send in emails to Drew for this annual laughfest. Honestly reading ZM was the high point of the Lions’ season!

Also, Morgan the time traveler:

It gives me no pride to say that we are the Bills fans of the south. Even London doesn’t like us. Imagine a culture that enslaved most of the known world, eats cold beans for breakfast, and can’t even properly execute its own political and economic suicide pact thinking that they are too good for your 90s…

As a Dolphins fan, this checks out.

Sometimes I read these and think “Wow, Magary’s really funny. He made all these jokes and exaggerations about the Ravens/Bears/Seahawks/Whoever. He’s so clever, that Drew. Ha ha ha ... so, so funny. Deadspin is really lucky to have him. Guffaw”

Hey now, Jay Fiedler won playoff games

Mario is a bad plumber because he finds thousands of gold coins in your pipes and just keeps them. Then again, he’s also fighting dangerous monsters and such in there without that really being a part of a plumber’s job, so I think it’s an ok trade.