first of all, thank you for saying axperience. i am like the kardashians now. this is amazing. WHERE ARE MY MILLIONS.

Aren't we all Justin Bieber's silent victims?

Why would anyone murder over 18000 dollars? There are easier ways to make that kind of money. Hope, if guilty, they get sent away.

Seriously, I want a book from this guy. SIT DOWN, DAVID SEDARIS

Totally. He can touch my butt any time!

For the mouth part of your face.

And they never tip. That's the only customer stereotype in the industry about who doesn't tip that I will stand by.

Someone needs to give Dave Hogan a publishing contract. That story was masterfully written and incredibly funny. I could feel the teenage anxiety wafting off it. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Put these breadsticks inside of you until you can't do that thing anymore.

I've always wondered why large church groups always seem to be the WORST at restaurants. I imagine their faith fuel tanks are on E and they're hangry when they go out to eat. Communion wafers and fellowship don't seem very filling.

super jizzy-looking

I'm a barista at a very quality-focused cafe in Seattle.

Best postscript in a personal letter, ever.

At this rate, why don't we call this...

No fries for you on Pearl Harbor day.

My Polish grandmother said that when she went on a date with Drake, he pulled her in real close for the polka set, looked deep into her eyes and kissed her. Then they made out by the pierogi table.

It is! But this is the second funniest Lorde thing I've ever seen after the ruler one.

It's time those boys dropped the pretense.

i watched south park last night and cannot un-see this:

Only reason I can think of. I swear, my printer could smell desperation in my crucial moments and would just refuse to cooperate.