“But Harbaugh”, asked reporters, “what of illegals on our shores?”
“12 to 15 million, all working class or poor,
What shall we tell the teeming masses yearning at our door?”
Quoth the Ravens, “never more.”

So why weren’t the Japanese worth protecting? Racist aliens?

I received a PhD in having a sense of humor from Your Mom.

I disagree entirely. I don’t understand why this is news. It’s 2015, how in the world can people still actually care about baseball?

Reminder: the people who comment “who cares? why is this news?” are absolutely not emotionally indifferent to it.

I don’t know, but if you listen carefully... you can hear the sound of the air whirling around at high speed in his head, where his brain should be located.

How is that I can hear him breathing but I can't hear his giant, stainless steel balls clanging together making a noise like triumphal cathedral church bells?

White people need an intervention.

No

The Celtics and Bruins have never won on August 15, but I don’t hear anyone talk about a curse.

Only Stage 1? The fucking Red Sox have underachieved all year!

Sure, but over two weeks that’s normal variation. The point is that it’s not as if the lineup is hitting out of its collective mind.

I’d argue it’s probably more like half a run per game, but the general point is correct. Adding 0.039 OPS to a league average team would make them the second best offense in the American League (behind the Blue Jays).

…the Jays have hit for an .808 on base-plus-slugging, which isn’t all that different from .769 they hit before it.

I’ll never forget the ex-boyfriend who excitedly told me he’d seen an instructional video on the internet where someone had trained away their gag reflex and thought it could work for me. He then proceeded to show me a clip of a woman hooked up to a machine that operated thusly: the more she deep-throated a dildo, the…

Right? It’s not called a blow vacation. Or a blow walk in the park.

Garbage highlight

why, are you terrible at those things too?

How not to start a conversation with a woman.

Your condescending tone is fucking awesome, however.