One time I had dinner alone with a woman with whom I had no intention of cavorting, but alas, the crab rangoon proved too stimulating, and we found ourselves rogering right there on the floor of the Asian Express Diner. Now I have a second wife - though she does not know about my first wife, nor my first about her -…

Have no fear, the Atlanta Anus will be open come football season. We’re talking a wide, gaping opening, into and out of which people of all shapes, sizes, and colors will pass.

Go back in time to when you were 2 years old and do nothing, but tennis until you are the age you are now. Also, be damn good at tennis. Having done all of that, you still will not be able to play tennis anywhere near as well as Roger Federer. 

You can’t. But you can learn to enjoy watching it.

I’d like to think I would, because it would be the right thing to do. But I’m not actually sure I would, even given an easy opening, because I’m just not sure I could intentionally kill another human being. Not because of morality or anything like that; he’s a monster, and stopping him would be for the greater good.…

Tim Tebow Turned Water Into Being Fucking Terrible At Baseball.

For the record, I’m terrified and disgusted by just about everything done by the Trump administration. You’re not overreacting to this stuff, we just channel that fear/loathing differently.

Extraplus note to self: REALLY don’t make casual joke that potentially implicates nuclear war around zombiebarbie. 

Posts like this are why I only Google things I kind of already know the answer to. Sad!, yes, but you won’t trick me with no “just google it dude” again.

Note to self: don’t make casual joke that potentially implicates nuclear war around gilbertkittens.

Counterpoint: the less time Trump surrogates are meeting with foreign leaders, the less chance they have to fuck things up. Which they undoubtedly would.

“My father lost a lot of money in the 2008 crash, so I now believe there is an impending and inevitable war between the white, Judeo-Christian West and the ragged dark-skinned savages, that SJWs are the true enemy of America, and that Donald Trump isn’t a colossal stain on the nation.”

Fare you well my honey
Fare you well my only true one
All the birds that were singing

This is conclusive proof there is no Intelligent Designer. An Unintelligent Designer? Possibly. A Sarcastic Designer? Maybe. But an Intelligent Designer? Not a chance.

Mattingly didn’t get in trouble for “not growing sideburns.” He got in trouble for having sideburns. Which he didn’t actually have. Because evidently Mr. Burns doesn’t understand what sideburns are, yet irrationally hates them nevertheless.

So your problem is that The Simpsons took Steinbrenner’s actual beef with Mattingly and, via the magic of television, transformed it into a similar but even more absurd beef with Mr. Burns? That seems like a strange thing to be annoyed with, but to each his own, I guess.

Counterpoint: you’d have to be continually drunk or high to willingly work for Dan Snyder.

Man, it’s going to be fascinating watching them waste/blow 22 draft picks in such a short timeframe.

So, do you have one perfect open-mouthed-kinda-dumb-looking picture of every single sportsperson separately cataloged for easy access, or do you have to search through, in this case, a bunch of Osweiler pics to get one so perfect for the moment? Because either way, kudos on having it ready to go so quickly.

This is part of why I don’t understand why some leftists (**cough** Hamilton **cough) are equally opposed to both parties, and spend equal time demonizing both, as if they’re both equally loathsome. Both are loathsome, yes, but given time, democrats and their policies might make things a bit better, though there is of…